To weigh or not to weigh?

At work today someone asked me how much weight I had lost as it looked like loads. I was obviously pleased that they said that but also a bit embarrassed and I was trying to put my finger on why I was embarrassed. I think it might be because I have not tried as hard as I could have over the last couple of weeks and thus I feel a bit like a fraud!

I have not weighed since last Thursday and this must be a record for me and I am now wondering whether I should bother weighing as often. It has been quiet a release to not have to weigh and worry if it will be good or bad. I want to get rid of anything in my life that will affect my mood and potentially have me heading for the food - be it is commiserate or celebrate.

So I will ponder on this and see what I decide.

Week 4 update

I forgot to post and update how I did during my 4th week of attending the ED meetings. Perhaps I forgot on purpose as the result was not great. I weighed 16st 2lb on Thursday morning, 3lb up from the week before, I could kid myself that this was because my period had arrived and I was bloated but basically I think I have just eaten too much.

As per the week before, there have been good and bad days but generally I am feeling fairly happy with my progress as I do feel that some head stuff is coming out and my clarity of thought is improving.

For Today: Anger update

I posted the other day about realising my anger and acknowledging it and asking for God to remove it. I feel things have been going fairly well and for that I am so grateful. I was reading my book this morning 'For today' and the topic was anger. Here is what it said -

'God gave me a mind and a spirit, a capacity for love and compassion. Anger destroys those gifts as surely as compulsive overeating destroyed them. Acknowledging my anger is a positive step, but do I see its source as a defect within me? Or do I blame it on something outside myself: what someone said or did, a job, a situation, the weather, anything. When I am angry I am no good to anyone, least of all myself'.

This all really struck cords with me. I was pleased to realise that I do know it is a defect within me and I am no longer prepared to blame anyone else for my problems.

MIA

Just realised I have not blogged for a few days and do not really have the mental energy to do it now but I do miss you!

All is well here, went out last night and got very pissed - great night with dh! and Mum is here today so we have entertained the kids and been to the park, as well as doing lots of gardening jobs - so feel quite satisfied. Will finish the garden tomorrow and perhaps even wash the car.

My meeting was good on Thursday but being my first day of my period I am in pain and my resistance is low. I am actually going out in a minute to buy chocolate and will wake in the morning and try again. One day it will work and I will be abstinent.

Kids are all in a lovely phase at the moment, or it could just be that I am appreciating them more since deciding to hold my anger. M has a big thing about running up to me at the moment and shouting 'uddles' and I get a huge hug. E has discovered pigtails and looks like the prettiest 22 month old ever to live and JJ is just so grown up and such good fun to be around.

Right off to relax with a mag, catch you soon.

Goodbye anger

I had one of those real pinnacle moments on Sunday evening. Dh had gone to church and I was ironing so I decided to watch a programme on C4 called The Unloved. It was about a child going into a care home and their experience there. It started off by showing an abusive father getting really cross with his daughter as she had lost some money. He got incredibly mad and beat his child - it was NOT this part that rang a bell with me. What got me thinking was the wording he used at the beginning, he kept saying 'you are making me angry now' to the child and you could see he was thinking on the problem more and more and getting so wound up.

I can think of a time when I have told JJ you are making me so mad and I have said it in complete anger and sent him to his room. I have not hit him or anything like that but inside I have been so angry that I have hit the sofa or screamed or thrown something. None of those are attractive admissions. Please know, that I do not want to be typing this blog entry - I am sure this is making me look like a right physo cow but seeing as this blog is primarily for me, this is a way of me ensuring that I take steps to tackle my anger and watch how I speak to/ act around my children in the future.

Yesterday M started to cry after she had gone to bed and dh said to me 'that was you stomping down the stairs', he said it in a slightly pissed off manner but nothing too bad. It made me feel bad though as it was not justified, he was just cross. This really got me thinking too of how sometimes the kids do something in error (like hit me or break something or make a massive mess) and I speak to them in a totally non-respectful way, a way I would not speak to an adult stranger. They do say you hurt those most that you love the most!

I have decided that I have to change and not excessively shout any more (I have been reading a book which is about parenting and teaches that if you shout at your kids you just teach them to shout back), and never do anything physical to my kids (like a tap on the hand). I want to build a relationship of mutual respect, love and trust and this is so important to me.

I have realised just how awful my tone has been with my kids sometimes or the outbursts I might have had and it is not acceptable. I will change. My 'for today' book had a reading about how we all sin and we must repent and pass that sin to God and he will heal us and take away our character defects.

So Lord, I am so sorry for every injustice I have ever done towards my children and I pray that you will take away my anger and increase my patience and love. Fill me with the Holy Spirit. Amen

For today - I am the best I can be...

One of the important lessons I am learning from attending my ED meetings are that we have to live each day, one day at a time. Life gets so tied up with planning and trying to be someone or something different in the future that we can get lost along the way.

Over the last few days I have really felt that I am doing just that, living for the day. When I make a mistake I am able to say 'oh well, that was then, right now is different and I will not make that mistake again but I will stay positive and get on with the day, rather than allowing it to bug me'. I remember a friend used to have the moto 'seize the day' and I never really got it - but now I do!

So really what I have grasped is that all God asks of me is to be the best person I can be on that day. It is what we say to children all the time 'as long as you tried your hardest that is great'. How liberating to know that same rule applies to me too, as I am also someone's child.

Reflective Sunday

First off, I just have to say that I weighed this morning, I know I should not have but the scales glady said 15st 13lb and that means I am down into that next bracket. From a start weight of 17st 10lb it feels good to know that my walk with God is working. Lets see what those scales say on Thursday. I am finding it hard to know whether I should be weighing though as the main purpose of my group and programme is to free me from obsessive eating and weighing forms a part of that but for me to lose the weight and become more healthy is two pronged with sorting my head out and passing good eating habits onto my kids. They always say I should do what is right for me and this feels right - so for now I will weigh once per week, perhaps until I am confident to move it to once per month and then chuck out the scales long term!

I have been doing lots of thinking, pondering and reflecting over the last few weeks. Here are some of my thoughts -

Things to be thankful to God for -

• I have found my excellent ED support group and am learning about the steps I have to take to truly know myself and overcome my illness
• I have learnt that all I have to focus on is one day at a time
• I went to a fete yesterday and bought the kids a small cake each and it did not even occur to me to have one. I know this will seem insignificant to some, but to someone like me who has a complete preoccupation with food it was amazing
• Chocolate was in my mouth yesterday before I even realised (I am not pleased about this! lol), what I am thankful for is that I realised that quickly and forgave myself for breaking abstinence and just decided that my day would start from after that, as all I have to worry about is the one day at a time
• My literature that supports the programme has arrive and reading some of it, it is so motivational for me - yay

Mistakes to avoid for the future -

• Forgetting to pray or think before any food goes in my mouth or I can end up eating for the sake of it
• Thinking that I can cope without my eating plan
• Thinking that I am in control and that I can just have some chocolate and then be OK! ha
• weighing myself too much

In the bin Daddy! lmao

Dh was going out earlier and we searched everywhere for this phone (this is one of the things with baby twins - they are great at squirreling things away) but to no avail.

When he came back later the girls where up from their nap and knowing that M is the more menacing he asked her where his phone was. Quite serioulsy she replied 'Bin Daddy'. Off we went to have a look and low and behold there it was. Very luck that she remembered after putting it there about 6 hours ago.

Dh then said to her 'Just like your Mummy, if you see something lying around and you tidy it up. Except you are more strict and it goes in the bin!'. I was laughing my socks off! It is quite an awakening when people acknowledge your quirky traits out loud.

Grace in small things for today

I feel so grateful, that I just must post before I go out. So today's 5 grace in small things are -

1. I have gone blogtastic and really enjoyed posting and updating ysterday and today
2. I am abstinant today and so grateful for Gods help
3. Dh has been off the last two days and it is always helpful to have that extra pair of hands around - can you imagine how much easier a walk to school gets without 2 x 22 month olds?
4. I am now off to toddler group and about to really enjoy some time with my girls
5. Only 1 week until I see my parents again and go to a wedding with dh - should be fun!

Being a twin...

Being a twin is a fab thing!

Here are some of the reasons why being a twin must be great, as observed by me -

1. someone to wipe your nose for you (yes they grab tissues and do each others noses)
2. someone to kiss you or stroke you when you cry
3. someone to always play with (or fight!)
4. when you do not fancy sleeping, there is someone to giggle with in your bedroom
5. a double size wardrobe - you always have something to wear!
6. you never get lonely in the buggy
7. everyone wants to chat to you in your buggy and tell you how cute you are, as there are two of you
8. someone who will share their food with you
9. if you do not fancy speaking, there is someone who will answer for you

I am sure there are many more, it is so lovely to watch them interacting and growing together. being a twin is a very special thing - I hope they will be good friends forever.

I am a butterfly, well caterpillar at the moment! lol

I heard a really good analogy last night which has got me thinking.

The lady talked of the Caterpillar becoming a butterfly. It builds it's cocoon and hides inside and reforms, the beautiful wings grow and then it has to really struggle to break it's way out of the cocoon. I never knew that it is really important for the butterfly to undergo this painful and difficult process as it is this struggle that strengthens their wings and helps them break free with the ability to fly. If someone thought they were being kind and cut them out of the cocoon they would never be able to fly and would just die.

This can definitely be applied to my life. Overcoming my overeating will be a major struggle but at the end of it I will be stronger and will of learnt to rely completely on God and hopefully I can fly. If someone else was to give me an easy fix (any diet, surgery, miracle weight loss cure), I would still have all the same emotional issues which would lead to me becoming fat and unhappy again. This is why diets do not work for so many people, they actually need to tackle the root cause of the problem and not the symptom.

Can you relate to this?

Mental Mind

I went to my meeting last night and was so clear on what I wanted to say on here - I really must try and get on here on a Thursday night when I return, because now after a good sleep and having the 2 little girls hanging around me it is a bit harder to focus on what I want to say.

Firstly I realised last night that I must again, start planning my food the night before and making sure that I stick to that plan. The logic is that I only can only eat what is on the plan and thus it takes away the constant preoccupation with food all day. It is what I did that first week when I lost 4lb and was abstinent from my trigger foods. So here I am this morning feeling pretty motivated. I prayed this morning and I must remember to keep doing so throughout today. I have my food planned and I really WANT to stick to it but it is through Gods will rather than my own as this illness is bigger than me. I wonder if that amazes anyone reading this to think that overeating is an illness?

I also checked back and I have been 16st 1lb for the last couple of weeks, so I have not put on as I thought I had yesterday - I have stayed the same. Certainly my clothes feel a bit better and my belt is a notch down. I am still regularly exercising and even on days when I feel as if I am doing pretty bad I am at least still very conscious of the fact that I am aiming to recover and that I have a long battle ahead, so my bad days at the moment pale in comparison to a few months back. My loss from my weight prior to having the girls is approximately 1.5 stone, so there is still that to celebrate. I would really love to be in the 15 stones by next weeks weigh in on Thursday, I think that would just be a boast to get away from this sticking point of 16st.

A week of kidding myself! end of week 3

I got on the scales this morning and they said 16st 1lb so slightly more than I was and I was grateful not to have put on - that tells you that I have not been great this week. In fact I think I have have just kid myself all week that I have been trying. I have had indian take away, chicken kebab, chocloate, biscuits, cakes.................... need I go on?

So I am very pleased to go to my ED meeting tonight and share with others and I pray that I will come home more motivated and able to control myself or at least rely on God to help me. Step 1 is going well, in fact I may be ready to progress to step 2 - I do believe that I have a problem and am powerless over food, now I have to believe that God can cure this problem for me and start to rely on him more.

The battle (that is exactly how it feels!) continues.............

Are you in prison?

I was reading my bible the other morning (can you believe it - I have now finally finished and can say I have read the bible cover to cover - still know nothing much about it but at least I have done it once - I will do it again!) and I came across a devotional from Max Lucado which really got me thinking.

Entitled the prison of want -
Luke 16:13 'You cannot serve both God and worldly riches'. Are you in prison? You are if you feel better when you have more and worse when you have less. You are if joy is one delivery away, one transfer away, one award away, or one makeover away. if your happiness comes from something you deposit, drive, drink or digest, then face it - you are in prison, the prison of want. That's the bad news. The good news is, you have a visitor. And your visitor has a message that can get you paroled. Make your way to the receiving room. Take your seat in the chair, and look across the table at the palmist David. He motions for you to lean forward 'I have a secret to tell you', he whispers 'the secret of satisfaction. 'The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need' (Psalm 23:1).

I am in prison, much less than I used to be. I am pleased to say that my wants in life have subsided but I am still guilty of wanting that next thing - the extension, the garage conversion, the second car etc etc. This really got me thinking though, I am so lucky and I have so much but what I should be focusing on is the wonderful life ahead of me. Living each day one day at a time and really enjoying it and making the most of it. I must stop planning so much and just trying to enjoy myself and my precious family.

Week 2 update

Well I have been a busy lady and have neglected to update my blog for a few days. I had Mum staying and then went back with her to see Dad for the weekend. I have had a lovely time with them and we got loads done at my home - cleaning, washing curtains, scrubbing windows, doing the garden etc etc

Last Thursday was my 2 week weigh in and I have to report that I lost no weight! but I am fine with that (really) as I do feel I am making some progress in regards to sorting my head out. My ED meetings have been going well, I am enjoying the fellowship and sharing, as well as the dedicated time to think about myself and not feel selfish. I am working step 1 at the moment and am being very honest with myself.

I am having good days and not so good days, but no real BAD days. There have been no major binges and no completely self destructive behaviour but I have succumbed to chocolate and other nice things.

I am feeling really good today, having been and done some aqua aerobics in my lunch break. My clothes definitely feel looser and I feel more confident and dare I say it, sexy - watch out dh!

Grace in small things

Just been reminded by a friend that I have not done one of these for a while and seeing as I am writing so much miserable stuff at the moment I felt I ought to really count my blessings and write something poitive.

So here is todays grace in small things -

1. I walked back from town to home today (it took about 50 mins) and I felt very good for the exercise and bumped into a good friend who I keep missing
2. A super friend has offered me a mobile phone as mine has broken
3. My Mum has been staying for the last week and we have done so many jobs around the house - my to do list has at least halved!
4. My girls went out for lunch and dinner today and bahaved so well both times - I am really proud of them
5. My big boy has a new boy in his class and he tells me he is making an effort to talk to him and ask him to play - we have read a book recently about the golden rule - Do unto others as you would like done to yourself and the story is about a new girl at school and how left out she feels. It is so nice to see JJ taking on board the advice himself and trying to be friendly

That is it for today.................catch you soon

Emotionally exhausted

What a day! and it is not over yet...............still the bath and bedtime routine to get through. I do hope that blonde daughter behaves tonight and goes off to sleep nicely rather than screaming the house down and making herself sick like she did last night.

Who knows why today has felt so bad? Work was fine, I got lots done and then I had a nice relax and watched an hour orfTV and even got a few PTA bits/ ebays listings done. That is when it started to go belly up as I had not left myself enough time to get the girls ready to collect JJ from school and the pushchair broke. I got in such a paddy - it is funny now I have a quiet few minutes and think about it (kids currently in the garden causing havoc - I love this weather!). I threw a spanner at the floor in anger. I really needed anger management at that point. I then proceeded to eat a packet of crsips and a chocolate mini roll - as if that would help me, but my warped mind said that yet again food was the answer.

I had all these jobs in my mind that I wanted to get done today and hardly any of them have been achieved and this makes me feel down but I know that I plan for too much and thus set myself up to fail. Perhaps I will get something done once the kids are in bed or maybe I should just stop myself and remember that I am supposed to value myself for who I am and not what I do.

Devil on my shoulder

Well the last few days have not been great. Foodwise they have been a real struggle. My Mum has been here staying with me and that is great, we have a lovely time together but I think it also lessens my resistance, having someone else around to eat with - not that she has the same issues as me, she is 5 stone lighter for a start.

Last night dh suggested I was in denial as I was choosing to have some chocolate and now thinking back on it, he may well be right. Last night I felt I was in control and I had just made a conscious decision to have some chocolate and that it would be fine. I thought that because I was not feeling hurt/ angry/ lonely/ worried or any other type of negative emotion that it was OK to have it. I now just think the devil was tapping away at me and helping me to be naughty. Slowly over the last few days I have had more and more naughty things (things I have no control over).

Yesterday I ate - weetabix and milk for breakfast, roast pork in a roll for lunch. All fine to here, then things went to pot! Piece of coffee cake, 2 choc chip cookies, 1 chocolate mini roll, 1 tiny brownie, few chipstick crisps, packet of chocolate, half tub Ben and Jerrys ice cream and a beef roast dinner with yorkshires. Oh what a day!

I have prayed hard this morning and I will endeavour to pray throughout the day to ensure that I do not have such a rubbish day again. No one said this abstinence and getting my eating in order would be easy - did they?

Onwards and upwards, feeling positive at the moment, sitting at 16 stone right now, so really hope that by my Thursday weigh in, I will be down in the 15's and back at a weight I have not been at since 2006.

I fixed your paper Daddy.

This morning dh and I came downstairs and JJ was already there. A picked up his paper and asked why it was on the floor, JJ explained that he had fixed Daddy's paper as it had fallen apart. A and I were in stitches when we realised that JJ had stapled his newspaper together (to the point that you can not read the middle third!) as it had fallen on the floor and gone everywhere. JJ did not realise that papers do this, he is just used to comics - so he thought he was being really helpful.

He gave me a wonderful laugh this morning, he was so serious about it all.

Just eaten chocolate

Could not think of anything better to entitle this post, but wanted to write this down so I can remember how I feel and hopefully stop myself next time.

About 20 mins ago I had a cuppa and realised how nice to would be with some chocolate. Now there is not much in my house at the moment, for obvious reasons! but there was some of the kids smarties, so I have just eaten a tube of smarties - fairly quickly and hardly even tasted them and certainly not really enjoyed them! whoops

I have done 7 good days of abstinence from chocolate and blown it but I am not going to let that get me down and affect my state of mind as that will be disruptive and pointless. I will put it behind me and start again right now.

Realisation - eating will be a conscious effort for the rest of my life...

I realised this morning that I will need to be aware for evermore of what I am eating. Everything will be a choice - do I eat it or abstain? That will be quite a big thing in my life, how bizzare that something as wonderful as food can become an addiction - a type of drug that has to be controlled and avoided at times.

I was making the girls toast and I wondered whether to pop myself a slice in as well - the logic being there was 2 slots in the toaster and thus 2 pieces were necessary. I then stopped myself and thought was I eating for habit or was I actually hungry? I decided no I was not hungry and I did not need the toast. The girls ate theirs and I did not miss it one bit. Another moment where I am proud of myself.

Woe is me

I was listening to someone the other day talking about how they had an argument with their Mum and it was unlikely they would ever speak again. This person talked about how she instantly felt as if she was an orphan and no-one loved her, she was all alone in the world and all sorts of things like that. In her words the self-pity had kicked in. Luckily her rational brain then said no, you have this, that and the other.

This really got me thinking and I could relate to everything she had said. If something happens I am fairly likely to go into overdrive and my imagination runs away with itself and by the end something that was quite small turns into a major drama. This is not a character trait I like and definitely one I have tried to work on over the years, but something happened the other day which again made me start to worry so I will need to be aware that while I am going through this journey to sort out my eating that I am perhaps more vulnerable to negative thoughts.

One of my fears as a younger person was that people did not really like me and found me a pest and did not want me around, I sort of go to grips with this - well to the extent that some of my friends have now been around for 18 odd years and my dh has been around for about 15 years. However I now have the fear that my boy JJ is the one who is not so liked and that his little friends would rather have someone else round for tea etc - it breaks my heart but I must just offer it up in prayer and hand it over tot he Lord for my worry can not help JJ at all.