I had one of those real pinnacle moments on Sunday evening. Dh had gone to church and I was ironing so I decided to watch a programme on C4 called The Unloved. It was about a child going into a care home and their experience there. It started off by showing an abusive father getting really cross with his daughter as she had lost some money. He got incredibly mad and beat his child - it was NOT this part that rang a bell with me. What got me thinking was the wording he used at the beginning, he kept saying 'you are making me angry now' to the child and you could see he was thinking on the problem more and more and getting so wound up.
I can think of a time when I have told JJ you are making me so mad and I have said it in complete anger and sent him to his room. I have not hit him or anything like that but inside I have been so angry that I have hit the sofa or screamed or thrown something. None of those are attractive admissions. Please know, that I do not want to be typing this blog entry - I am sure this is making me look like a right physo cow but seeing as this blog is primarily for me, this is a way of me ensuring that I take steps to tackle my anger and watch how I speak to/ act around my children in the future.
Yesterday M started to cry after she had gone to bed and dh said to me 'that was you stomping down the stairs', he said it in a slightly pissed off manner but nothing too bad. It made me feel bad though as it was not justified, he was just cross. This really got me thinking too of how sometimes the kids do something in error (like hit me or break something or make a massive mess) and I speak to them in a totally non-respectful way, a way I would not speak to an adult stranger. They do say you hurt those most that you love the most!
I have decided that I have to change and not excessively shout any more (I have been reading a book which is about parenting and teaches that if you shout at your kids you just teach them to shout back), and never do anything physical to my kids (like a tap on the hand). I want to build a relationship of mutual respect, love and trust and this is so important to me.
I have realised just how awful my tone has been with my kids sometimes or the outbursts I might have had and it is not acceptable. I will change. My 'for today' book had a reading about how we all sin and we must repent and pass that sin to God and he will heal us and take away our character defects.
So Lord, I am so sorry for every injustice I have ever done towards my children and I pray that you will take away my anger and increase my patience and love. Fill me with the Holy Spirit. Amen
