I'm a lucky girl!

Well I have been missed! Had numerous people looking for me whilst I have been away at Mum and Dad's. I had no idea that so many people read this blog or that I was noticed on other Internet sites I regularly visit. It is nice to feel wanted.

My boys went camping with the cubs and scouts last Saturday, so me and the girls headed down to my parents and we just got back last night - it was 5 nights and 6 days of total pampering and it went so quick. Mostly I spent time with Mum as Dad was at work but we also got to see him each morning/ night and my brother on a few evenings. Although he quickly became aware of what it is like to have 2 small toddlers who want your attention when you have just got home form work! lol I do not think he is ready for kids yet!

I also got some jobs done whilst there, like haircuts, shopping, take backs, banking and car service and MOT. So I feel very up to date now, I unpacked last night and have done 3 washes already - the last is just drying now. Off to do the shopping in a moment and then hopefully the girls will come back for a nice long nap and I can do some ebay stuff. The boys are back at about 4pm and I am cooking us all a nice roast and then there will be a ton more muddy washing to do! it never stops...

I went to an ED meeting whilst I was away and it was good to see a different group and set up. I also did loads of resting, reading, praying, relaxing etc etc. I feel positive and in a good place at the moment, I will blog more about my eating and mind state when I get a chance, at the moment two young girls are bored with mummy being on the PC.

So thank you Mum and Dad, you really are the best parents a girl could have. I am very lucky, not only for all the love and help you gave me but also with the tons of shopping bags that came home with new clothes, jewellery, perfume and bedding. Also the money to buy my new beloved Radley messenger bag - mine is really past its sell by date.

Shopping calls, catch you all later. x

Quick update from me

In general I am fine, I am feeling OK, not unhappy or anything but not ecstatic either.

I have not been being very good around my food, but I am taking heart that my ED meeting promotes that you have to keep coming back as one day the miracle will happen and it will all click for me and I will abstain. For some people this takes years, I have always known that God is trying to encourage me to have more patience! I just pray that it comes sooner rather than later.

I was driving along in the car the other day and thinking about food (like I do) and I realised that actually whilst I want to lose weight, be well and be a good role model I do not actually WANT to abstain from eating what I consider to be the fun and yummy foods. I suppose I do have to get to the point where I want to give them up and where I am willing to do so. They always say with alcoholics and smokers and anyone else with an addiction that they can only be helped when they want to be and I guess I have not yet got to that place. It is a sad realisation but at least it is another step along my journey.

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Girls

M in her best new 'glam' shoes and E with her 'preddy' (read pretty) beads

M models Nannys glasses

E shows what a little hippe she is, never happier than when she has a headband and tons of beads and bangels!

M models her new watch or tick tock as she likes to call it

It was my girlies second birthday this weekend. I can not believe they have got so big - time really does fly by. I was in hospital this time 2 years ago with a very sore and massive tummy and two tiny heads attached to my boobs! There is a lovely image for you, lmao. I could not imagine being without them now, so very different and both absolutely gorgeous.

M has not been well today, another viral infection and E has been so cute bringing her dummies and the Bob the Builder soft toy - she knew what would pacify her sister.

End of Reception year

JJ on the girls birthday, trying out their balance board.

and trying to look brainy - modelling Nannys glasses (can you see the girls chocolate birthday cake all round his face?)

My big boy has 2 days left of this school year and then he will officially be moving from the foundation stage to Key Stage 1 and proper learning! I don't think he is going to know what has hit him. An hour less outdoor play each day, PE twice per week and far less student led play learning..... an as for dh and I, it will be a shock too - proper homework and being more disciplined for him to do it straight after school.

We got his report last week and I was pretty pleased. It was not the most glowing one in the class but it was honest and painted a picture of the JJ I know and love. He was described as a lively boy, who has settled in well to school life. Speaking in a loud voice and finding it hard to stay on task when working independently, as well as rushing over his work. Clever and caring boy was a phrase I particularly liked. Basically his report could of been mine at the same age, I was always described as clever but too noisy and disruptive. I can't really blame him when it is in the genes can I?

Todays Grace in small things

To balance out my yuck post, here are a few things that have made me smile -

1. M hurt her finger and each time she remembers it hurts she gives it a tiny little kiss to make it better
2. I am off for a lovely evening with friends and my Mum tonight
3. My hydrangas are in full bloom and look very beautiful
4. E is on the mend and in a much happier mood
5. I got some half price bedding at M&S today
6. My Dad did a dump run for me
7. It is my girlies second birthday tomorrow and we will enjoy cake and pressie opening in about an hour, so that dh can join in

Yuck, Yuck, Yuck!

Well that is how I feel today. It is one of those awful days when I get all anxious and there appears to be no real reason for it. It really wears me out and I lose the ability to make decisions and to have fun. I am so thankful my Mum is here as she is busy playing with the kids giving me a bit of time to sort out some things and to have a little catch up on here. It is amazing how much better you feel after 20 minutes of time to think without the babies.

I have now sorted out my nursery fees which had me owing over £1K rather than the £243 I expected and have wipped the arses of those people at T mobile who dared to increase my tariff by double without telling me. Why they do these things I have no idea, well I do. It is because they think they can get away with it. Not with me....

I am off out tonight with the school mums and my Mum for a Chinese and a disco and I think once I get there I will have a fab time. I am sure I will indulge too much with food but at least I am driving so I will be drinking calorie free water or diet coke. Today has not been too bad a day I have just eaten my meals and nothing in between, which is a start but my lunch and dinner are pretty calorific.

I had a very good ED meeting last, I really related to what a few people spoke about and I managed to get home without stopping at the chip shop. Every small thing is something to be celebrated. At least I am not on self-destruct right now.

Been a bad girl

The title says it all really. After saying I needed to be good with food this week to keep my weight loss I have been totally out of control and I appear to be showing no signs of stopping. I prayed the other day to keep me away from some food and to stop me eating stuff I did not need and frankly I could not of been sincere enough as nothing happened. I think God knew I was going through the motions rather than it being a true heart cry that I wanted help.

I am now just about to go and get chocolate from the vending machine and I am not even hungry, in fact I feel quite full. So I assume I am eating to stifle some kind of emotion, not sure what as I feel fine on the surface but there really has to be some kind of reason why I do this and I just do not feel as if I have the energy at the moment to deny myself and to deal with my addiction. I think I am tried - an early night must be in order today. and then hopefully tomorrow is another day and I can pray to turn this blasted illness and addiction over to God once and for all.

Baby for sale.............

This should of been posted Saturday or even Sunday but I just did not have the time or energy then! Boy what a difficult day Saturday was. Dh went to work from about 7am - 11pm, so crap for him and crap for me. E was so hard to deal with all day. I assumed she was still feeling poorly and was thus very patient with her but I just wanted to run away as the whining was constant and wore me down. Mummy was the constant cry or should that read muuummmmy! Luckily JJ and M were good kids and did not hassle me too much.

E managed a little 50 min nap in the day and was tired the rest of it. I decided the best strategy was to keep us all busy so we went to soft play in the morning and had lunch there, then shopping in the afternoon with chocolate bribery as we went round Morrisons and chip shop tea. I am such a good Mum! lmao but the kids had a good time in general and we got through the day without me killing anyone or swearing at them, so I think it can be voted a success!

Once the girls were in bed JJ and I celebrated by tidying up the house and snuggling in my bed together to watch total wipeout. A good bit of family TV on a Saturday night is a great cure for a hard days parenting.

I am pleased to report that after being back at Nursery yesterday E was back to being her normal gorgeous little self and thus she is no longer for sale!

Reflecting on this weeks weight loss....

Yep you read that right, I weighed this morning and I have lost weight. This is a pure miracle as I was not joking when I posted yesterday that I have been very bad. So I was 15st 11lb on my scales today and I really do not think they are too inaccurate as I only got them about 2 months ago, they were sent to me specially to take part in some twins research, so I have to weigh and measure the girls regularly. I then popped into Boots and weighed there but with my clothes and shoes on and they had me as 16st, so all pretty accurate.

Of course I am pleased that my weight has gone down and I have thanked God but I also sort of feel a fraud as I do not deserve to of lost weight. I actually thought I would put it on. I now need to be extra good for the next week or it will catch up with me and I felt that God extends me so much grace that I have to play my part too.

It is funny to not be overjoyed to have lost weight, it feels as if it is a step further on my recovery journey. I have been so focused on weight loss and not enough on getting my head sorted and now it feels that I am realising the importance of not just eating and getting away with it but eating well and cleanly and not fooling myself or anyone else.

The 'for today' readings for the last couple of days have been good and pertinent. One spoke about honesty and how honest was I being with myself? Acknowledging that everyone has a different path to follow but that honesty is not open to interpretation and we must stop fooling ourselves. The other was about feeling your pain and getting in touch with that pain being a positive thing. I now acknowledge I have to stand head on with God to face whatever is coming my way - scary.....

What made me smile today...

1. E so excited when I arrived home from work at 11.30am, apparently she had asked for me constantly since at I left at 7.45am.
2. M and E being complete flirts with a family a few tables away in KFC today. M particularly kept laughing, being coy and playing bee boo as they all encouraged her with big smiles and laughs. I was very proud of my gorgeous girls that they could attract so much attention!
3. E eating her lunch and asking for more (she is poorly, so this is a big achievement - we are on the cusp on chicken pox I think)
4. The 'to do' pile at work going right down!
5. E sleeping, so I could get all of downstairs thoroughly cleaned.
6. Finishing the ironing....
7. Me and the kids all having a dance together.
8. JJ trying to be such a big boy and helping me as he knows E is ill.

Self destruct!

I feel like I am on self destruct right now but a bit powerless to do anything about it! It is as if I do not want to do anything about it and I am trying to sabotage my weight loss. I got on the scales Sunday (I know, I know!) but they had gone in the right direction and I felt good and then Tuesday and Wednesday I have just been eating loads and in a really odd fashion. Yesterday I was scoffing and I felt full and sick but did not stop. I also bought some butter, which is something I never do nowadays as I love it too much and I was literally eating small chunks of it on its own as I drove home. I was then worrying that dh would see the butter and know I had been scoffing it in the car. I expect I have repulsed you now. I know most people would not consider eating butter alone but I love it.

Stuff that I normally just will not buy at the moment has made its way back in my house - ginger cake and brownies and whilst it is one thing to be bad once and then stop. If I bring them in the house they all then 'NEED' eating. I think I will just have to be wasteful and bin them. I am thankful to say that I have not yet got to the sorry state where I pull food from the bin to eat it. I know many a compulsive overeater does!

So today I feel fat and quite repulsive. I don't actually think it is that I look repulsive I think it is that I am pretty disgusted with my own behaviour around food the last couple of days. I have definitely been like an alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon and gone on a binge. Thank goodness I have an ED meeting tomorrow night. I think tonight I need to read some literature and refocus and perhaps start working my steps.

I am feeling a bit funny about writing my blog today as I am so honest here and I am starting to realise that more and more people who really know me are reading this. I none of you think I am too odd!

Kiddie Update

My kids are so much fun at the moment, I am not sure if it is their development making them seem more interesting or if it is because I am giving them more time and attention - whatever, it is great!

JJ - fell off the slide yesterday and hurt his arm, he is still such a baby really. He just wanted hugs and reassurance that all was OK. He went to work with daddy on Saturday and made him proud by being such a good boy, helping with tasks and keeping himself busy when necessary. Then today when E was ill, he sat and held her in a cuddle and gave her juice so I could get on with tea. They looked so cute there together.

M - what a defiant minx! but a real cuddle monster. Her chatting is coming on and she loves to spot buses, noise bikes (motorbikes) and lorries as we drive along. Singing is a favourite pastime, especially when she should be falling asleep. She is now showing an interest in potty training and loves to wear high heels and pretty clothes. In all but looks, she is a mini JJ with his same effervescent personality and energy.

E - my gorgeous natured little quiet girl. She runs after her brother and sister, always a length behind but adores the two of them and copies everything but in a much quieter fashion. She has her Alfie bear who is her best friend and she has recently taken to a massive fleece blanket! She is also enjoying starting to talk and will gabble to her dollies and teddies about who knows what.

In all, they are great kids and I love them so much my heart aches. They drive me bonkers at times, especially JJ, he is so wearing but I would not want a placid boy and therefore he suits me.

Here is JJ looking after little E and then M decided she ought to be in the photo too! and of course one has a dummy then the other wants one too. There is no hope for me.....

My mental addicts mind!

I have been feeling pretty good the last few days - really quite confident. Today I was at work and I felt confident and I knew this made me look good, I had a new hairstyle (which loads of people commented on!), gorgeous high heels and I just felt on top of the world. My mind then turned to 'why do I need to get control of my eating and lose weight when I can feel good like this and I could just eat bad food away from my kids and still give them a good upbringing and be a good role model'.

Then I really thought about this and it just made me realise how crazy and mucked up the thinking of an addict is. I do not like to refer to myself as an addict as that conjures up pictures of drugs and alcohol but the truth is that my drug of choice is food! The fact that I have been thinking about just eating bad food away form my kids or in private is a bad thing in itself - that could lead to a whole new eating disorder.

I know I have not been trying hard enough and the problem is that I am not surrendering to God and handing this problem over. I am sure I have mentioned this lots of times on here, sorry if am boring you. I am hoping that by keep reminding myself at some point it will click and I will surrender and become abstinent.

End of week 10

I weighed this morning and I am 16st, so that is a loss of 2lb from last week. I am fairly pleased with that as I have been better and been trying to record my food plan the night before but I have not been abstinent at all.

I have been so good with doing my crunches each morning, I expect that must be having an effect.

I must remember to just keep going - one day at a time and not to get too hung up on the future.

For Today: Pride

Yesterday when reading my 'for today' book I came across a reading which really spoke to me. I do find this tiny little book a wonderful resource for opening up my mind and making me do some thinking.

The reading was about pride - 'When a proud man hears another praised, he thinks himself injured'. The text then talks about abstinence being a blind that I pull up form the window so I can see the real world and the real me. I am a willful child wanting to be first, be best, be noticed and be praised. Oh my goodness I am that person! I have been trying not to be for the last couple of years as I know it is fruitless and silly to be proud that my car is better than your car etc. I know that I am not supposed to compare myself to other people, I should only compare myself to God's standard - to Jesus and boy do I fall a long way short on that one!

The text then goes on to say that I need to work the steps to learn to turn over the defect of pride and to ask for it to be removed, so that I can share in others joys and not be jealous and prideful.

Lord, again I realise I need to be focused on being me and changing me to your way rather than doing lots of tasks. I have my meeting tonight and I will get my steps workbook out and starting focusing more on getting well.