Acting 'as if'

One of the things the program teaches us is to act 'as if'. This basically means that if I do not buy into something/ believe it I can act as if I do and eventually it will sit right with me and I will subscribe.

I keep reading and being told that I have to go 301 in regards to my eating. This basically stands for - 3 meals per day, nothing in between and living one day at a time.

At first I wondered how I would ever do this, as snacks are so important to me. Trying to get through 4 or 5 hours to get to the next proper meal is a form of torture I believe! and I just could not see the logic of why this would help me.

Today I am willing to say 'hands up, I have no belief this will work but it does for loads of people with ED's and thus I am going to give up my will and try it'. Yippie - I have got through from breakfast to lunch and just had my lunch. So now I have to get through until about 5.30pm when I can eat my tea. My breakfast and lunch have been much bigger than normal - they have to be to get me through and whilst they have not been wild food choices, like chocolate or anything they have not been sensible low calorie/ low fat choices either. My food sponsor tells me that if I can get 301 established and get my body used to it, I can then start to look at the portion sizes and the food choices I am making. You never know maybe this is a far better way to slimming and certainly it will remove my constant obsession with where my next meal is coming from.

Feeling stressed...

It was one of those days today. I got to work after shitty traffic, remembered I had a meeting I did not want to attend at work, got handed over a load of work as my colleague had to be out all week and then just felt truly stressed. No good reason for it - but it happens sometimes - doesn't it?

I did pretty well all morning, got through the meeting, did some menial work and then went off at 12 noon to do my aqua. I enjoyed aqua and worked really hard. I resisted the call of the chocolate chip shortbread on the way back to work and had an apple instead. Then again back at work I felt stressed and this time gave in to the food. It has got worse and worse all day. I do not even want to type here what I have eaten - it was sooo much. I would love to just be hiding right now, but I know that is a downward spiral, so I am typing this and I will text my food sponsor and then I will start working through the massive pile of ironing that needs doing.

Also stressing me is the fact that I have not got to clean the bathroom today, which is something I always do when I get home from work on a Monday, but tonight A was not home and by the time the kids were bathed and read to, it was practically 8pm and I wanted my tea. I know these things are not important but I do struggle with not hitting targets.

I am already thinking about tomorrow and normally I do something before work - gym or swim and already I thinking I can not be bothered. I pray I wake in a better and more positive mood tomorrow so I can find the energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise. Maybe I will go to aqua in the evening instead, but then I worry that I will not get to clean the bathroom. How sad is that - to worry about cleaning. Surely living is more important!

Grace in small things...

A quick dose of happy thoughts!

1. I enjoyed myself at the boot sale with JJ today and he was made up with his booty from selling some of his toys (lego, meccano, books and the game of mousetrap have entered our house!)
2. The kids are all in bed and I am able to relax with A and just be......
3. The PTA has a new bigger committee which should make all our lives easier.
4. JJ's new teacher at school seems ace
5. I bought some gorgeous purple patent shoes and a purple satin top ready for my Xmas nights out in December - just gorgeous!
6. It was super having Mum to stay and lovely to see Rich when he came to collect her. Roll on 29th Oct when we go to stay with them.
7. I am looking forward to work and my aqua class tomorrow

Ok, all loved up now, catch you soon. xx

I'm here, I'm OK!

Hey all, Sorry not to be blogging much. I am totally busy at the moment. I am enjoying it though, it is nice things - like my Mum being here to visit for 5 days, doing stuff for the PTA, playing with the kids, doing a boot sale, washing the car - Ok maybe not all enjoyable! lol but real life!

I weighed on Thursday and I was 15st 10lb or was it 9lb - I can not even remember now, but I know it was a loss and I was very chuffed. My having a food sponsor is helping me alot, making me think things through and helping me to realise the importance of 3 meals a day and life in between. It is a complete retraining of the mind to move from small meals and healthy snacks as taught by diet clubs to 3 large meals per day and being free of food obsessing in between. I have not actually made a pure day with just 3 meals yet but very close, so I am confident it will come soon.

I am so open to handing over my problems, troubles and decisions to God that the miracle of abstinence must be close. I bet I sound like a religious nutter to anyone who reads this and does not know me very well and in fact I wonder what one of my best friends (on the other side of the world) thinks of my faith and how much I chat about it on here. As the last time we saw each other I had only been a Christian for a few months and it certainly did not guide my life and decisions in the way it does now. I think I am a far nicer person for being a Christian, less critical, less judgemental and more forgiving...... but there is a long way to go and soon I will have to do the step 4 inventory and write my life story, detailing all those people I have done wrong to. Very scary stuff!!! Even more scary I then have to actually tell someone else about it and hand it all over to God and then go and make physical amends to those people. Not ready to take that step yet but I am confident I will get there.

For today...

I have read 2 very good readings in the last few days. It is a if they are being written for me.

The first was about the program I am following not being an academic discipline and no amount of academic type reading/ studying will cure me of my compulsive overeating. It is in the room with all the other compulsive overeaters that I will find true understanding and start to be able to conquer this disease with God's help.

The second reading states 'There is no need to separate myself from the world to stay abstinent, nor must I submit to those influences that can destroy me. Neither I nor anyone I love needs junk food.' I seriously must remember that and stop giving it to my beloved babies.... need I say more?

Quick update

I really need to go to bed....it is late and there is football playing in the background! arrgghh how did that happen?

As the title says I wanted to do a quick update. At ED on Thursday I asked one of the ladies to be my food sponsor and I text her my food plan each day and have to tell her when I go off track. It is helping so far. I feel far less obsessed today and have not been picking. So many times today I have remembered not to eat just for the sake of it, or without thinking. Last night I went out to the pub and avoided wine and crisps all night - I was very encouraged by that too.

GLORY TO GOD! for it is him doing it, rather than I.

I pray this continues and I can start to be healed of this disease and start to loose some weight and become more healthy and less of an obese death trap.

Kiddie Update

My babies are no longer babies! boo hoo If I was to ask them, they would tell me 'my a big girl!'.

The girls are now practically 26 months -

E has turned into a Mummy's girl and constantly asks 'Mummy coming', this is a real turnaround. She is still very sweet natured and has the most gorgeous glossy strawberry blond hair, in a Purdy (think Avengers) style. She is petite and very dainty. Often found crying or whinging as JJ has been too rough or M has stolen a toy from her. Give her a box of make believe toys and she would sit there for ages and play without a care in the world, happy with her own company. E has taken to mothering M and when M is crying she will come over and stroke her.

M is quite different - loud and vivacious, she is a female JJ. The most stunning white blonde hair which is all flyaway and quite messy but cute. She loves constant attention and wants everything that everyone else has, especially her twin. Her doll is her favourite at the moment, feeding it, changing nappies, pushing in the buggy etc etc. She is also often found wearing my shoes, a definite shoe fetish in the making.

JJ seems so grown up now. Just a few weeks away from being 6, we see a bit of attitude at times but a gentle word reminds him he is a child and he apologises and steps back in line. Being too tired can send him over the top and a crying hissy fit can emerge but again within a short time he is back to his loving self. School always describe him as a gentle giant, clumsy but very caring. He has a fab imagination and loves to do crafts and cookery. I really enjoy spending time with him and Saturday nights with X factor and popcorn is a feature for our house, then at other times of the year it is hi and Dad watching Doctor Who or Robin Hood together in bed and having some time together. JJ has just started Beaver and dh is helping to lead it, they are both enjoying themselves together and long may it last. I love seeing my husband being such a fab Dad to our kids.

Have I been hiding?......

.....yes I think so!

I can't believe it is 10 days since I last blogged, I have thought of coming on here a number of times but then have just not made the time for it.

The winter is approaching and I often find I go into hibernation mode, I get home from work and just want to change into my jammys and eat! oh dear, there is a big problem! and actually probably the reason why I have not been blogging. I have been very into the food the last couple of weeks. I have not stuffed and put on loads of weight but I have been 24/7 thinking and living for food and my next fix! It is true, I really am an addict.

I went to a wonderful service at church on Sunday night, it was a healing service with a lady called Suzette Hattingh leading the session (http://voiceinthecity.org/content/view/29/47/lang,en/) . I found her to be a very inspiring, she had an amazing way with words and wonderful positive attitude.

I am not quite sure what but she has a problem with one of her legs and has had numerous operations and can not walk currently, however her healing has started and the bone in her leg has started to grow back and a graft to take. Her attitude is that her healing 'is a done deal with God'. She does not know when it will take place but she is fully confident that it will and instead of healing prayers she asks for people to pay to increase her love for the Holy Spirit and to give her fire in her belly. I thought this was just amazing. There is a lot I can learn from this. I am so hung up at the moment on my eating disorder that I pray for strength and knowledge of God's will and the willpower to resist the bad foods all the time. I do remember to pray for some other stuff too but it is as if they are an afterthought. I need to trust more that God wants the best for me and that he will heal me of this, but in his time. Patience is a virtue they say - so true, it is one I am yet to acquire.

I cried an awful lot at the service the other night and it was not that I was unhappy, it sort of felt like a release. I truly felt God was healing me, I had been praying for healing for my awful periods and monthly pain but also healing from my compulsive overeating. Again, I have to remind myself that it is in His time frame and not mine, He knows best and will do the best for me. All I have to do is believe and act as responsibility as I can, rather than saying F### it and just eating what I fancy.

I need to wait until next month to see how my period and pain is, it would be so amazing if I can say that I have been healed. What a great Evangelist I would be, shouting from the rooftops and telling everyone my testimony and giving the glory to God.

So far today I have blown my abstinence and in fact I have no idea when my last abstinent day was, it is not very often that I can truly say yes to that. I do believe though that one day I will be able to be abstinent and free from the obsession with food. Until then I will try my best, be kind to myself and work the steps.

I just realised....

.... that the bits you really love about your kids are the bits you like about yourself and the traits that really grate on your nerves are those which you need to do work on within yourself!

I am in a nice calm mood this morning and was asking the kids to get out of the kitchen in a very nice voice (generally this is my sanctuary, with a stair gate across it) and then M starts shouting 'Out Out!' really loud and aggressive and I saw myself on a worse day! whoops.

Being childlike....

JJ just reminded me today what fun it can be when we adults act like a kid! When away at Rivercamp last weekend we stumbled across a deserted park which was just lovely. What a strange mood I was in as I thoroughly enjoyed the swings, see saw, slide and climbing apparatus. JJ and I run and bounced around like kids (of course he actually is one!) and I laughed like I have not done for a very long time. It was excellent! That same day we had also been waltzing in a very crowded park whilst the brass band played - again I had not a care in the world and did not worry at all what people thought. Ohh to be like that all the time. For once I was just being and not doing - nothing was achieved except a sense of fun and a fab time! I think we even gave dh a laugh as he watched us chuckle away.

We went to the park today and JJ asked if we could go back without the girls and just play together again, 'as that was great fun wasn't it Mum?'. So next time dh is about we will get him to look after the girls and JJ and I can really let loose.

Jesus talks of the importance of us all being humble like children. Maybe this is a great step for me towards that.

You can't live your childs life for them...

I have been learning this slowly over the last couple of years since JJ has been at school. My beautiful JJ who is so vivacious and larger than life is now in year 1 (just started today) and I worry so much about whether he is liked by the class and if he will be OK. Luckily he is generally a confident boy but last night he cried as most of his mates have moved into the other class. I fully expect him to meet new friends and I want him to have a wide circle but secretly I would also like him to have a really good friend who he sees loads and they love each other and stick with each other. This has not happened yet and if I am truthful, it may not. I have to let go and let him run his life as he sees fit and allow him to make mistakes and just be there to cuddle him when he needs it.

I did not have the happiest time at primary school, I was lightly overweight (or enormous I thought) and I can remember being mildly bullied for it. I also, I am ashamed to say bullied someone else and thought it was OK as the rest of the year did as well - that poor kid. We have made our amends now thankfully, just a couple of years ago but I do so regret what happened to that lad. I would never want JJ to be so cruel and thus I am trying to ensure he has a good circle of friends and feels confident enough not to have to take his insecurities out on someone else.

Whenever I learn that some of his friends have met up and he was not there I am wounded for him. It does not seem to affect him at all, he is tough skinned and fairly deaf to what is happening around him, I wish I was like that too. I am so highly tuned to everything. We have kids for tea and then JJ does not get an invite back and I wonder if that is because they do not want him at their house as he is very loud and boisterous or because their kids are just not that fussed with him and thus want to invite someone else instead. I need to let this go and stop worrying about it.

Please Lord, I hand this issue over to you. Stop me worrying about playground politics. I do not want to be part of the silliness any more. If a kids does not invite JJ - so what, we can not live our lives pussyfooting around some in the hope that JJ will be played with and will have a good group of friends. He is generally a happy and content boy and that should be enough for me.

4 month update

Well here I am 4 months into the program and I could write a post and crucify myself as there is a very long way to go and I am not abstinent but what would be the point? one of the main aspects of this programme and coming into recovery from compulsive overeating is to be kind to yourself and to acknowledge your successes!

I know I have had such a major mindshift in the last few months, my self-awareness is so heightened and I am really learning about my food triggers and problems. Dh and I have been talking about big stuff and this is so unusual for us but we both face that we need to - progress has definitely been made.

My weight is 15st 11lb, so OK but obviously a long way to go. I am back planning my daily food again and I pray I keep that up as it helps so much.

I had an afternoon of being anxious and stressed today but I realise it is one small afternoon in the bigger picture of my life. So I had a shower, have done some self pampering and have refused to do any housework tonight - it feels good.

JJ is back at school tomorrow and the girls are back in their nursery routine on Monday so I am (sort of) looking forward to being back at work and having a good sense of normality. I can get my exercise back on track and hopefully lose some more weight and gain some more sanity!

Grace in small things

There has not been a grace on here for a while - it must be totally due!

1. I am feeling serene and happy at the moment
2. I got to enjoy 3 days with my hubbie and JJ at Rivercamp
3. My girlies are back home and fell asleep within 15 mins tonight! yay
4. JJ is back at school on Thursday - normality resumes...
5. I am being really controlled with my food for the last 2 days
6. I have also been really controlled with my spending (my other problem!)
7. You should have seen my girls this morning, in their shopping trolly - giving each other 'twinnie love' - kisses and cuddles. The whole aisle was ahhing!

8. The three kids having such a fab time at the park today - see above pic

The first why!

OK, the girls are only 2 and 1 month - surely that is too young to start asking the question that every parent fears?

'WHY?'

Yep, this morning M asked me her first why. 'Up Mummy' and I said no and got a 'Why?' in return.

Lol, it has started.......