Good Morning

Morning. Here I am blogging very early in the morning, which is unusual but quite nice. We are down at my Mum and Dad's at the moment and all the kids have decided to wake pretty early, but after a good nights sleep I can not really complain. The girls have decided that in the main afternoon naps are not for them anymore and thus have been going to bed earlier the last few nights - in fact asleep by 7pm, rather than the 8pm it had seemed to have stretched too without any effort from A or I. Of course the consequences of them being asleep by 7pm if that they are then pretty much awake by 6am.

Last night me and the girls slept in a double bed all together and it worked OK. I would of slept on the floor if I needed to but luckily I am good at sleeping on my side on the edge of the bed. As I said they slept right through and seemed happy to be close to their mummy. My original plan had been to have the girls top and tail in a single bed but that was definitely too much to expect of just 2 year olds.

The night before Miss E fell asleep in the single bed and Miss M fell asleep in the double bed, so I slept with M and she woke me numerous times! and poor little E also woke numerous times and cried out, this is really unlike her and it was only much later yesterday that I realised this is the first time E has ever slept on her own. I expect she awoke and did not hear any breathing from anyone else and wondered what was going on. I suppose it must be daunting to sleep in a room on your own if you have never done it. Having JJ I am used to one of my kids sleeping on their own and did not have second thought about it but for the girls it must be a big deal.

So now my brother is back living at home with my parents for a while, this is the future of our sleeping arrangements, me feeling bad as Mum and Dad have been kicked downstairs onto a blow up bed (although it does look very comfy). The girls and I all snuggled up together and JJ in his normal bed. It has worked far better than I thought it would. I was really looking forward to coming to see my parents but there was some anxiety about how the sleeping arrangements would work out and like everything I should of known just to trust the Lord and that it will all come good.

So no idea what the day has in store for us. May try and find a soft play somewhere so the kids can run some energy off as the weather looks pretty drab. Back to see dh tonight and JJ has his first Brigade parade tomorrow at our local church. Lets hope that is good.

Grace in small things

1. I have been to the gym this morning and burned off a ton of calories
2. I forgot my shoes and I am sitting here wearing sparkly white trainers with my black suit! lol No I am not particularly grateful for that but I am so grateful at God's work to change my attitude. A few years back if this had happened to me it would have been a big deal and I would of stomped around and been agro about it but today I am serene and smiling!
3. My kids are at home enjoying time with Daddy today.
4. I had a great house group session last night. What a wonderful bunch of ladies. Thank you Lord.
5. I am going to see my Mummy and Daddy on Thursday - yay I can not wait. It must be about a month since I last saw them.
6. Today I am abstinent and my attitude around food has been so much better for the last few days.

Right to do some work now and then off out at lunch time to treat myself to a nice new pair of black shoes...

A few good days

I am feeling pretty happy right now. I have had a couple of really good days. I met a friend in recovery on Thursday and that has been such a great help to me. Thursday and Friday I did what my meetings term as 301 - 3 meals a day, nothing in between and taking 1 day at a time. My food sponsor is also such an inspiration to me, giving me such invaluable advice and coaching each day. I think that is wonderful that someone is willing to give me 10 minutes every day to help me along the road to recovery. One day I will be able to offer that help to someone else and that is why this program of fellowship works. Have you seen the film 'pay it forward'? No, you should it is such a feel good film and if everyone worked that system in real life we would have no problems. Such an idealist! lol

The new meeting I have been going to the last few weeks also has lady there who could be a potential sponsor. I need to have a chat with her and take things as they come. I have accepted that God was obviously shutting the door to the treatment centre that I called. There must be other people who need it more........ but that is OK as I am doing fine right now and all I have to focus on is today. It is when I start to project and worry ahead that things go tits up!

Grace in small things

It is that time again! Always good to be positive...

1. I have a wonderful food sponsor, who is offering me invaluable help with the eating problem/ obsession
2. I really enjoyed my aqua session today and worked like a trojan
3. I had a great time at the park yesterday with dh and the kids - loads of fun!
4. I have got a few bits of stuff done tonight and ticked off the to do list
5. I am looking forward to running the recruitment and selection training course for the next couple of days
6. I looked at a photo last night from April 2006 and wow I am so grateful to be 2 stone lighter now than I was then. That was a big double chin!

Operation Goodbye Dummies

So having failed the first attempt at the goodbye nappy operation we have moved on to goodbye dummy.

Saturday tea I instigated the conversation with dh of when we were going to get rid of the dummies. Next thing I know he is telling the girls their dummies have gone to nannies for new babies and they are big girls now. Wow, that was quick!

They were only having their dummies at nap and night times for the last 6 months or so, so they have got used to that but I have noticed that they have reappeared a bit more at the 5/6pm witching hour just recently.

So we have had 3 nights now without dummies and they have missed them and getting them to sleep has been difficult as they keep asking for their beloved friends but we will get there and dh and I are quite adamant that this is the end and there will be no more 'dum dums' in this house. You have to stop at some point - right!

So tonight I pray that Miss M sleeps through the night and does not wake every 30-45 minutes like she did last night. At 2.30am ending up with her head on my pillow (shhh I enjoyed the snuggle with her!).

Yesterday they raided their change bag at Nannies house and found 2 dummies we had not removed (whoops) and both popped them in their mouse, like a smoker who could not wait for their next fix, until mean mummy told them they were yuck and broken, both girls pulled them out of their mouths like I had said they had a snake in their and we ran to the bin and chucked them in there with big shouts of yuck! Very symbolic and I suppose at least they know they are not accessible now. They keep telling me that 'dum dums in the dustbin, dirty!'

Enjoy the piccies of my beautiful girls snuggling up for the night without their dummies! Miss E at the top and Miss M below her.

Operation Goodbye nappy - attempt 1 - failed!

That is it - we have given up on Miss M's potty training for now. There is only so many changes of clothes that we can do in one day. She went to nursery today for the full day and they changed her 6 times! She ran them out of spare clothes!

So we will give it a month or so and try again. I am secretly really quite happy with that. All that extra washing and worrying and having to go to the loo every 15 minutes as she constantly does the worlds tinniest wees! Over for a bit.

To be continued.....

That Friday Feeling

Yep today I am feeling good and if it wasn't for the fact that I have a food obsession I would be saying 'thank crunchie it is Friday'!

Yesterday my food was good, today so far it has been even better and I pray to continue with this good behaviour. Eating what is on my plan, reaching out when I am down, attending meetings, writing about my feelings and generally being upbeat.

My weight this morning was 15st 10lb and for someone who has had many out of control days in the last week or so I was extremely thankful to God for that.

Potty Training

errrrr not my most favourite of subjects. Miss M thinks she is already and nursery said the same for her. So Wednesday I decided we really ought to give it a good go and see how it works. I decided a week would be a fair trial.

Weds - day 1 - she was at nursery all morning, there was 4 accidents in the day
Thurs - day 2 - with me but we went to toddler, school run, a friends, so a busy little girl. 4 accidents, one of which was a sloppy poo! (yep tmi, sorry)
Fri - day 3 - 4 accidents, 2 poo ones today!

So all we have achieved so far is her being completely pleased that she is getting to drag me to the toilet every 10 mins and she loves her big girl pants but really she is recognising the need to go less than she was a couple of months back. Also this pooing in her pants lark -what is that about?

I really can't believe she can manage to pee every 10 - 30 minutes, every time I put her on a toilet or potty she can produce! yet about 3 weeks back we had a nappy free afternoon, where in 4 hours she went just 3 times and asked me each time to go - no accidents!

I know that we really need a week or so to just stay home and leave her without pants and let her go without distractions but that is not easy when I work and we always have the school runs to do as a minimum.

So I will keep persevering for the next few days and see how things go. I want to just say she is not ready and give up but I suppose I should give her a fair shot and at least keep to my week commitment.

So, this saga is to be continued.........

Taking time to be thankful

(Above the kids having fun at the park and left my crafty collage from the weekend away).

I am in a completely different place today to what I was last Thursday, thank God (literally!).

I am extremely blessed and for today I can see that and I am enjoying all the wonderful things around me. I am remaining calm and unstressed and just enjoying having some time to myself to catch up on jobs that need doing and are so hard to complete with 3 small people in tow! The girls are at nursery, JJ is at school and I have another 1.5 hours before I collect him but instead of feeling that is not enough and worrying about that (that I normally would) today I am looking forward to seeing my boy and taking him for a hair cut and then having a play for a while before we collect the girls. Once the girls are collected we are all having a KFC treat on the way home and that means no cooking or clearing for me! yay A is at work and won't be home until about 11pm so tonight I will take the opportunity to catch up on some TV while doing the ironing and getting some ebay bits sorted and photographed.

So how have I changed so much in a few days? well as always it is by the grace of God. I went to ED last Thursday night and was able to rant and uncoil and then a good sleep does me the world of good so by the time I woke Friday I was ready to tackle the world. The girls and I met some good friends at soft play and I enjoyed sliding and crawling around with them, actually taking the time to enjoy them rather than being self-centered and just chatting with the other mummy. Then at 2pm off I went with a friend to Ely, leaving dh with the kids for the weekend. Yep completely selfish but so necessary and I have changed over the weekend. Prayer, reflection, time alone, meditation, sharing and some crafty therapy have grounded and calmed me and I have taken perspective and know my babes and A are the most important things.

I returned at 2pm on Sunday to a fab chorus of 'Mummy', then all the family went out shopping (the kids behaved just lovely) and we went to the park for the kids to run off some energy. What a fun couple of hours dh and I had, we played tag, had a walk through the woods, did piggy backs (with the kids - not each other!!! lmao), Miss M and I laid on the grass and watch ed the clouds and then JJ joined us to watch the planes. We met and petted loads of dogs and basically had a fun time laughing our socks off. errr why do we not do this more often? It cost nothing and everyone had a great time. Must make a mental note.

A quick update

Hey all, I will blog properly tomorrow but just a quick word, as I know some of you read this and worry about me. I am fine and dandy! I have just been away for the weekend since 2pm Friday, only returning today at 2pm, so 48 hours of child free time and yes for once I did miss the kids and dh too and I was pleased to come home. I had the most amazing of weekends and I will tell you all about it tomorrow for now I am off to finish my Indian and chat to my lovely hubby, who was again left holding the babies this weekend! lol

What I have learnt in the last couple of days...

1. That I am completely self-absorbed, selfish and self centered! This came as a complete revelation to me yesterday. I was reading a sheet about step 1, it was called the unmanagability test (and yes my life is very unmanagable right now, especially yesterday - boy was I out of control!) and it really tested my thinking. I realised that all my controlling behaviour and my bad behaviour towards my kids when I get cross because they are not conforming to what I want are due to me being self-centered. As a Christian, or even just as a good human-being I should be striving to help others and to offer myself in that way instead of trying to ensure the world revolves around Michelle. Big learning and not one I am proud of, but it is a step forward...

2. That I hit my kids too much. Doesn't that sound awful? I am ashamed to put that. I must make a note here that when I say hit I do not mean punch or really hurt or anything. I mean tap/slap on the hand, bum or leg. The logic being a short sharp shock to encourage them not to do the bad behaviour again. What am I really teaching them? that it is OK to hit each other and that Mummy is modelling that rubbish behaviour. I know that I hit out when I feel out of control and do not know how to deal with the situation or my head of elsewhere and we are short of time. I have to STOP it, it is crazy and disgusting behaviour and it does not even work. I need to show more love and to do tat by giving the kids more time and forgetting some other not so important stuff. So yes you may find I post on here even less.

3. That I forget so much I have already learned. I went through loads of church stuff last night - sermons I have written, service plans I have performed and kids church stuff I had put together and I realised I had forgotten loads of the key teachings of just 3 or 4 years ago. I really do feel I am on an exploratory journey at the moment to find out who I am and that I am learning some good and bad stuff and that at the end I will be confident enough to have my own set of rules to live to and because I will be out of the food I will act sanely and lovingly towards others.

4. That saying in bed for an extra bit is not really of any help at all in the scheme of things! Yesterday I did not bother to set my alarm, now I do not know if this is because I am feeling a bit down, lethargic and have lost my enthusiasm for life right now or if I just thought a lie-in would be helpful. Whatever, it did not work. I got up after 7.30am and by the time I had showered and dressed etc it was gone 8am with me taking all the kids downstairs. That is just too late for a school day. We ended up having to run to school (something we did loads last academic year and have not done yet this year, until yesterday!) Then the day went from bad to worse as I ran about everywhere I needed to. My pushchair snapped in half (yep you read that right!) whilst pushed the girls around and generally it was a shit day. It was only going to ED last night that I got some perspective and was sane enough to be able to set my alarm for 6.20am this morning and get up after just 6.5 hours sleep. I am sitting here at the PC, already having prayed, planned my food for the day, enjoyed a cup of tea and sorted some stuff in the garage. The kids have just woken and I feel ready for the day. A day when I commit to never lash out at my kids again. That behaviour is unacceptable and gone forever. (Please Lord).

I would love to wrote more, but the kids are awake and seeing as I said I wanted to be less selfish I should go and have a cuddle. xx

This parenting lark isn't too easy!

I have been wanting to write this entry for ages. I have had the title in my head and even about 2 weeks ago I had some things I wanted to say! lol Today I feel a bit of a brain block but I am hoping that if I start typing, it will all come flowing out....

Being a parent is really tough, or should I say striving to be a semi-decent parent is really tough. The actual having sex, making a baby and even having that said baby was easy by comparison.

How do you influence these little people in a good way? Well the best thing would be to live a saintly life and never to show the many character defects that I have and to show them by example how to be a well-rounded adult with a good sense of fun and responsibility. One problem - I would have to be living that myself to be able to show them and I am very much an imperfect being. I get stressed, anxious, cross, irrational - I shout and sometimes I even lash out in anger. I am not at all proud of some of the ways I behave but I am sane enough to know that I am not the worst parent out there and nor am I the best. So I think the facts that I am very aware of the need to grow emotionally and spiritually to enhance my character, and also that I am working the 12 steps to try and be a better person will mean that I am doing the best I can for my small people. At the end of the day, the best I can do is all I can offer!

Well that is not the route I intended this post to take! lol My original plan for this blog entry was to talk about some of the things that are really testing me at the moment - like Miss M's defiance or Miss E's whinging or even JJ's lack of listening and learning skills. How many times can you take something away from a child or show them their actions have consequences without them learning at all! absolutely loads is the answer in our house. What I have remembered from this exercise is that we are supposed to praise the good and ignore the bad. So whilst I had been acting on the naughty stuff he had been getting attention that way, rather than praising him for the good stuff. So Thursday we started a reward chart again and yes his behaviour has been much better - bingo! Sometimes us parents just have to stop and pause or pray so that we have time to think and clear our heads to see what a good solution to the problem may be.

Also today, I had the stair gate open to the kitchen and Miss E was able to come in and help me unload the dishwasher = no whinging! I forget how much they love me, I am the center of their world and they just want to be with me all the time and to help me. I should be flattered and yet sometimes I am just short-tempered and trying to get on with chores whilst shouting shhhh!

I need to remember that my babes are the most important things in my life (along with dh) and that I should show them that. xxx

ahhhhhhh...

...that is me sighing a big breath of relief that I am home.

We went to Church this morning as the pastor and his wife are moving onto another church. We will be so sorry to see them go as they are very welcoming and inspirational. The Pastor's teaching will be very missed. In fact he was one of the main reasons we kept coming back to the Church when we first visited in June last year.

Anyway we had the service, we prayed over the pastor and his wife, I shed a tear, the kids had a good play in creche and children's church and Jacob got sung Happy Birthday to and received a nice new kiddies bible. Then it was time for the bring and share lunch - which looked fabulous. They decided to do the service table by table, which is a sensible idea but three small kids and an hour later it did not seem to sensible to us. Boy were the girls tired, bored and restless - running about everywhere and driving dh and I mad. By the time we needed to go up and get food there was not so much left, the kids were starving and dh did not want to eat - he is veggie and I think it just felt too much hassle. As we ate the kids were naughty and generally overtired. I got to breaking point and announced we were leaving. Packed all the kids up, cleared the table, grabbed JJ's birthday cake from the kitchen (yes it is his birthday and of course he could not understand why he was not first up there getting his food as he was the special 6 year old boy!) and left. I did not make a big scene before you worry. I quietly let the organiser know the girls were tired and no need to do JJ's cake. It is a real shame I did not get to give Phil and Elaine a cuddle but I have emailed and given them a card so I trust they know how much we will miss them and of course they have hundred's of people to hug today.

I dropped JJ and dh at the Galleria and they have gone to see Toy Story 3D, he will enjoy this much more than Church. He is then having a McDonalds after and we are going to pop into nanny and Grandad's to do his cake. Then home for some lego making as he got the toy of his dreams - the lego fire station. It was all he wanted and he was so overjoyed to receive it this morning.

Dh and I are going to enjoy a take away tonight and chill out together.