1. That I am completely self-absorbed, selfish and self centered! This came as a complete revelation to me yesterday. I was reading a sheet about step 1, it was called the unmanagability test (and yes my life is very unmanagable right now, especially yesterday - boy was I out of control!) and it really tested my thinking. I realised that all my controlling behaviour and my bad behaviour towards my kids when I get cross because they are not conforming to what I want are due to me being self-centered. As a Christian, or even just as a good human-being I should be striving to help others and to offer myself in that way instead of trying to ensure the world revolves around Michelle. Big learning and not one I am proud of, but it is a step forward...
2. That I hit my kids too much. Doesn't that sound awful? I am ashamed to put that. I must make a note here that when I say hit I do not mean punch or really hurt or anything. I mean tap/slap on the hand, bum or leg. The logic being a short sharp shock to encourage them not to do the bad behaviour again. What am I really teaching them? that it is OK to hit each other and that Mummy is modelling that rubbish behaviour. I know that I hit out when I feel out of control and do not know how to deal with the situation or my head of elsewhere and we are short of time. I have to STOP it, it is crazy and disgusting behaviour and it does not even work. I need to show more love and to do tat by giving the kids more time and forgetting some other not so important stuff. So yes you may find I post on here even less.
3. That I forget so much I have already learned. I went through loads of church stuff last night - sermons I have written, service plans I have performed and kids church stuff I had put together and I realised I had forgotten loads of the key teachings of just 3 or 4 years ago. I really do feel I am on an exploratory journey at the moment to find out who I am and that I am learning some good and bad stuff and that at the end I will be confident enough to have my own set of rules to live to and because I will be out of the food I will act sanely and lovingly towards others.
4. That saying in bed for an extra bit is not really of any help at all in the scheme of things! Yesterday I did not bother to set my alarm, now I do not know if this is because I am feeling a bit down, lethargic and have lost my enthusiasm for life right now or if I just thought a lie-in would be helpful. Whatever, it did not work. I got up after 7.30am and by the time I had showered and dressed etc it was gone 8am with me taking all the kids downstairs. That is just too late for a school day. We ended up having to run to school (something we did loads last academic year and have not done yet this year, until yesterday!) Then the day went from bad to worse as I ran about everywhere I needed to. My pushchair snapped in half (yep you read that right!) whilst pushed the girls around and generally it was a shit day. It was only going to ED last night that I got some perspective and was sane enough to be able to set my alarm for 6.20am this morning and get up after just 6.5 hours sleep. I am sitting here at the PC, already having prayed, planned my food for the day, enjoyed a cup of tea and sorted some stuff in the garage. The kids have just woken and I feel ready for the day. A day when I commit to never lash out at my kids again. That behaviour is unacceptable and gone forever. (Please Lord).
I would love to wrote more, but the kids are awake and seeing as I said I wanted to be less selfish I should go and have a cuddle. xx
