Slow down, enjoy our time...

Morning all, Just to say I am feeling so much better today. I went to hospital yesterday but did not need the op as I had naturally miscarried mostly and then the doctor was able to remove the rest, including the tissue that would of been my babe so that has gone off for a cremation after some analysis. Although this physical aspect does not matter so much to me as I know my unborn babe is in Heaven already.I received some amazing flowers yesterday from Church and all my friends and virtual friends have been so supportive, thanks.

Below is a circular email I received recently and I find it really pertinent right now. A gentle reminder than life can be short and we must enjoy it while we are here. Enjoy...

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not seen his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last..

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Bathtime from hell, my awful night

Ohh it all kicked off last night. Things were fine during the day, I ended up enjoying my time to myself and got loads done towards planning the garage conversion. Then off I went and picked up JJ, the girls and dh and came home and all was fine until about 6pm when I started to get some period like pains.

It was nothing too much at first, so I took some paracetamol at 6pm and at about 6.20m dh went off to lead cubs and I was happy for him to go out. By about 6.45pm I needed to get the girls to bed and I was in agony, I wanted to cry, I could hardly move and I had these two little princesses who were not being naughty by any means but wanted to have fun and play with Mum, I just could not deal with it. I was so proud of how I kept my calm and explained Mummy was very poorly and they needed to help me by doing as they were told - what beauties, it was as if they understood at 2 3/4 years that this was serious and they needed to listen. So I got them bathed and into PJs and read one story and had to ask JJ to read the other as I had to head to the loo for the first of many, many trips. JJ was a trooper and read to them and then got himself showered and joined me on my bed ('Mummy why are you lying on that towel?') and read me a story, in between my 7 trips to the loo in the space of about 20 minutes.

Dh came home about 8.20pm to find me on the bed in agony and hardly able to talk. I felt sick as a dog and could not get a comfy position. I missed all the TV I wanted to watch last night as I just could not concentrate. The sweats came and went and I was convinced I would pass out at any time. I forced myself to eat a slice of toast to help with the sickness and at 9pm I called the hospital to see if I could take mefanamic acid as the paracetamol had just not touched the pain. Thankfully they said yes and by 10pm the pain was subsiding and I managed to fall asleep. I had a night of up and downs to the loo but at least I could sleep in between.

I was up early this morning to have finished my breakfast by 7am in case I need the operation later. I am now nil by mouth until about 4pm this afternoon. It might be that I do not need the op though as I have now passed an awful lot naturally. Apparently the pain I was feeling was my uterus contracting, now I think thank goodness I have never given birth vaginally if it hurts like that.

So today is starting a much better day, I can talk and think and move without too much pain - yay. Thank you lord.

Thanks also to all the lovely people leaving me comments or texting me with well wishes.

It is hitting me today

A message to those who know me, this is not a particularly cheerful post, if it will upset you do not read it but it is helping me to write things down and get them out so I will continue to post about sad stuff as well as good stuff. Fundamentally I will be fine, I am sad but all will be well so no need for you to be sad too. Mich x

I have dropped JJ to breakfast club, dh to the station and the girls off to nursery and now I have the day to myself. My op is not until tomorrow now and the way things are going (slowly) I assume I will make it in there to have the operation.

Things are sinking in today - on the way back from nursery I stopped at Asda to fill up the car and buy some sanitary pads. I think that set me off, how sad to have to buy maternity pads when there is no baby to come home. I went to buy the girls a new cup each and some tangle free shampoo for Miss E and of course this was all in the baby section so there I was looking at things for babes and realising I do not need those. I walked around Asda with a massive lump in my throat and feeling sick and thinking it is just not fair to have morning sickness and not actually be carrying a live baby anymore. Luckily I caught myself having this kind of unhelpful thought and reminded myself that grieving is fine but irrational self-pity will get me nowhere. All that was running through my mind though was 'I want my baby'. Sadly, that is not to be.

I had a good old cry on the drive home from the shops, I suppose being alone today gives me time to think and to feel free to express myself. It is hard to be sad in front of your kids or at work so this may have kept me going the last couple of days. On the drive home I drove past the hospital (probably a silly mistake) and realised I would be in there tomorrow and would again probably be very sad.

I realised I am now grieving for the loss of this baby, I had really wanted the babe and had planned out in my mind the next year or so and was looking forward to time off work and my girls starting nursery school and me being there for their half days. A glorious couple of hours to myself each day with my babe, feeding and cuddling. I don't think dh and I will actually try for another baby because as I have said before logically and financially 3 is enough for us really and I also keep wondering if I ought to give up work and be at home with the children more. Would they develop into better young children if I was here to give them more time and guidance? It is not necessarily what I want but I think it may be what God is calling me too. If only we could wave a magic wand and dh would earn £10K more but I know that as Christians we have to be willing to walk in faith and that if me giving up work is the right thing then we should trust that God will provide and do the scary thing first and watch things turn out just fine - as that is often the way it works with God.

So I am off now to hang out the washing and do some cleaning I expect I may be back later.

2pm update, just had a fish finger sandwich and feeling quite a lot better. Upstairs all cleaned, tided, beds changed and floors hoovered and now going to have an hour to myself until I pick up my gorgeous little man from school.

Coping or masking?

I am back at work today and colleagues that know what has happened have commented that I appear to be coping really well on the outside. I have just been out for my lunch break and whilst walking round the shops it got me thinking 'How am I coping', 'Am I really coping at all?' I sort of don't feel anything at all at the moment, except resigned to the fact that there is no babe and that the next few days will be unpleasant as I either have the op or lose the baby naturally (I expect it might go this way as things have already started to progress if you know what I mean).

The first thing that struck me is that in ED they always talk about us compulsive overeaters avoiding any kind of feelings and emotions by eating to stifle them and whilst I have not been on a mega binge or anything I had been using my pregnancy as free reign to eat what I fancied, including all the foods I know have no nutritional value and are just in my diet as they sooth me!

So I sort of came to the conclusion that because I am not abstinent from eating compulsively I am probably not working this through as thoroughly as I should be. People keep telling me to grieve and I do not feel a need to at the moment - is this very hard-hearted?

I know that once the procedure is over and I stop feeling pregnant (I still have morning sickness right now) I have to focus on getting myself back on track with my eating. I allowed myself to put on half a stone whilst pregnant, so that needs to go. Until I can clear my head I do not have perspective on the things that happen in my life, I know this to be true and I trust that God will help me when the time is right for me to listen and obey.

Here I am eating a Nandos for my lunch as I feel I deserve something nice as I am also going through something unpleasant and I also bought myself a new suit for work at lunchtime. Yes it was a bargain at £20.99 in the M&S outlet clearance area but lets be honest it is just another way of me masking what should be feeling painful. (Mum you can give me your opinion on Friday).

When you think about these things logically you have to laugh at me and how strange I am. I was waiting to collect dh yesterday from his train and instead of taking some time to be, I choose to run off and clean the bathroom as I was home and it needed doing. Doing and not being yet again!

So this is where I am at right now, in a nothing place. I know things will get better and that things happen for a reason, I am just not privy to that reason right now. I am eternally grateful that this has happened after my two successful pregnancies and that it has happened now rather than at a much later stage in the pregnancy. I remain blessed with my great children, dh and wider family.

My Sad Day

I am feeling sad today and kind of empty inside but technically that is not true as I still have a babe inside me but just not a living one to be born into our family.

I had some bleeding over the weekend and pain this morning and my cervix just did not feel right. I expect many people have no idea what their cervix should feel like but after charting my ovulation symptoms for a couple of years before the girls I got good at knowing my bodily changes. Anyway after about 3 hours at the doctors and then at the hospital in the early pregnancy unit I had a scan and found out my babe passed at 7+5. I should of been near 11 weeks today, so this was a little while back. It feels completely strange as I was just getting used to this babe becoming part of our family and thinking about all the changes that would come about.

At the moment I am in the painful place of waiting to see if I will miscarry naturally and scared about how much this might hurt and whether anything I pass will be recognisable (I am sorry if this is too gory for you). If nothing has happened within the next couple of days I am booked in for an operation under general anesthetic to have the babe removed. I am not looking forward to that but the prospect of just leaving this to go on for potentially weeks is just too much for me to shoulder.

Dh has been a wonderful support and came straight home from work to be with me, of course this is his loss too and I must be mindful of that. I think to be honest the biggest thing on his mind at the moment is ensuring I am well. I was over the moon to pick JJ up from school today and give him a massive hug and then to collect the girls too for a squeeze and nose kiss. We all went into town for tea and to enjoy an hour together.

I have not really cried much, I expect I will at some point. Just when I do not want to the urge will hit me and embarrass me in public I expect. I do not suppose there is a way you are supposed to feel when something like this happens but I am not as mortified as I would expect. Yes I am mourning the loss of my babe that I will never meet, the one I hoped would be a boy called Samuel Noah. The can did reveal it was just one babe I was carrying, that had been my biggest fear until today, having twins. Now of course I realise my biggest fear should of been something quite different.

Logically dh and I know that three kids really is enough for us and that it is just the right amount of children for us to be really great parents to. When out and about one parent has JJ and one has the girls and everyone feels included and we have time to spend alone with each of them. Another child may of upset this balance and someone could of ended up being marginalised, of course this would not of been on purpose but I could have foreseen it happening to some extent.

I think that is enough wittering for today, I am sure I will be back to pour out some more of my heart when it hits me further.

Little things lift my spirit, well done JJ!

I am feeling very happy with my big boy right now. We have been doing some serious work over the last couple of weeks to try and restore him to the kind, considerate and polite little boy that he once was. Somewhere in the last year or so he had lost the ability to say 'please' and had totally forgotten that 'Thank you' was part of his vocabulary. It also appeared in 'World JJ' to be OK to argue with and correct your parents. To say I had had enough of this was an understatement!

So the work started, without the word please, whatever he had asked for was denied for at least an hour - that sure had the desired effect and we also had some frank conversations about respect and how lucky he was with all the days out and treats he received. Daddy got quite cross and explained that not everything in life was for fun and that some things were serious, like the swim lessons he starts tomorrow. In fact Daddy told him that if he did not take the swim lessons seriously any fun clubs that he normally attends would be cancelled until the end of summer and dh meant it!

Anyway enough of what we have been doing, the reason I feel so lifted today is that I have been starting to see the pay back over the last couple of days.

Yesterday at bedtime Miss M realised she had left her black dolly (her favourite) at nursery and that she could not go to bed with her. In comes JJ with his Butlins bear and consoles her that she can borrow him. Then before Miss E has time to whine about it (and you know she would have) in he comes again to the girls bedroom with his Haven bear for her. Two calm and happy young ladies and one boy with a big kiss from Mummy.

Then today when I picked him up from school I went to see his teacher, she is covering and does not really know JJ. His normal teacher is stuck in Oz with all these flight delays. I tell her that JJ has a chart normally to monitor is calling out and talking out of turn and how has he been this week and she tells me he has been great, no problem at all. Wow, what a change, normally after 2 weeks off and being spoilt seeing Nanny, going on holiday etc he comes back a nightmare, live-wired and without the ability to calm down and take turns etc. This time is different! yay

Lastly today he has a little friend round and I offer the biscuits and he says 'you can choose first Charlotte'. Completely unheard of, I was gob-smacked and he got a lot of praise.

So a big well done to my gorgeous young man. You make Mummy very happy. xx

A week in the life of Mich (babies, nits and bits!)

I have become very slack with my blogging of late, I take a 6 week break and expect to come back to it full of gusto and a million and one posts in my head and instead I am enjoying living my life! Now, that is not to say that those of you who blog lots are not, blogging for you is obviously a more integral part of what makes you happy than it is for me.

So to try and capture some of the things that I have wanted to blog about but have been too busy, here is a week in the life of Mich.... (with a revelation - keep reading!)

Wednesday 14th April
We have been at Spring Harvest (massive Christian festival at Butlins, Skegness) since Sunday and we are all having a ball. JJ is enjoying his kids club, Powerpack and the girls are heading off to their nursery class with no tears or moans - joy! I have been going to the Activist zone each day and we have been discovering what it takes to be a Christian in today's society; our need to be distinctly different but in a good way! The worship here is amazing and I am really enjoying praising God and taking time to be with dh, the kids and God.

I think dh and I have been convinced of our need to find a Church closer to our home when we were asked what was the best thing about the Church we attend and we both struggled to answer that! So the next few months will be a time of exploration to find a new spiritual home where there is a really strong local community feel.

Thursday 15th April
The girls God Parents were also at Spring Harvest on this same week so we met up with them today and it was lovely to have some time catching up and playing with the girls all together. Then in the evening I went to the service with them and really enjoyed the live atmosphere rather than watching the service on the TV which is what I had done the other nights while I looked after the kids and was too pooped to move from the couch!

Friday 16th April
Time to head home today but not before we have our final celebratory service. This was the first time dh and I had some alone time together this week and it reminded me that I missed being out with him and enjoying his company. I was pretty over whelmed at this service and found myself singing my heart out to 'Glorious' and 'Faith is rising' while booing my eyes out! Not because I was sad but it felt like a real release, I think I was touched and filled with the Holy Spirit (probably too much info for any non Christians reading - freak alert!, believe me that was what I used to think, lol).

Saturday 17th April
This could be named the weekend of washing and ironing! I did at least 12 loads of washing and ironed it all over Saturday and Sunday nights, which felt good afterwards but already the rail is re-filling itself again! agghh

We decided that it was a luxury to have dh home on a Saturday and the weather was fantastic so we should not waste it. At St Albans Cathedral we had a picnic and then headed to see the ducks and for a play in the park. After a tad of shopping it was time to head home but we all had a lovely family day together and for absolutely minimal cost.

Sunday 18th April
Church this morning as I was on creche, the girls protested about going as they wanted to go to the 'big holiday church', it was great to hear they had such a fab time at Spring Harvest too.

We had a nice relaxing day really with Church, lunch cooked by my mother in law and another trip to the park.



Monday 19th April
Busy day!! Back to work which I was not at all looking forward to as we have a new HR system coming into play and we are starting to parallel run but seeing as it has not been properly tested we are also testing at the same time. Complete balls up is the best way to describe it!

I was happy to have a lunchtime appointment for my booking in appointment with the midwife. Yep I am pregnant again! Whoops, how did that happen? Well of course I know but I had stupidly convinced myself that God did not want dh and I to have any more kids and that three really was enough! not so, number four is on its way (well I pray it is only number four and not four and five, there is about a 1 in 12 chance of me having twins again!). Roll on 6 May when I have my scan and will know how many babies I am currently cooking. So I am about 10 weeks pregnant and my due date is about mid November but this could all chance as I really can not swear that I even had a period in February. I had got so busy and pre-occupied that I forgot to track it! So now I have revealed the real reason why my blogging has been so poor since being back after Lent - I have been knackered, feeling sick and wanting to talk about my PG. You may never get me off here again now! lol

After returning to work for just half hour I then get the call I always dread - the nursery. 'Oh what now?' I am thinking. This time Miss E has head lice - err my gorgeous babe with the beautiful hair and then I realise I have been scratching too - yuck. I leave work immediately and luckily dh is home with JJ so I drop the girls home and £20.50 later I return from the chemist (how expensive is it to have nits nowadays????) and treat us all to some lovely oily treatment. I am still not convinced everything is gone but the nit comb shows no signs of the nasties and it will become my best friend from now onwards. I will be 'Nitty Nora' checking the kids each week.

A word of warning to those unwise people like me, Headrin stains your clothes. JJ's and my tops could be heading for the bin!

Not content with my eventful day so far I venture out to meet the ladies from my Church House Group. It is a social so basically I stuff my face with nice munchies and we have a good laugh playing a quiz game called Buzz on the PS3 - what fun!

So there you have it, a week in the life of me, never boring!

Notes from the Heart.......

Dear newly engaged workmates (both of you!),

I have to be honest and say that I am feeling totally envious of your big sparkly platinum set solitaire diamond rings that are far far bigger than mine. I do not know why I am feeling like this but I do realise it is stupid. However let me make this clear, I am so so happy for you both and wish you years of happiness.

From the one who needs to be far less possessions driven!

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To the weather,

I love you; it is warm and sunny today, the kids are on the new trampoline and it lifts my heart.

Happy sunny Mich x

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To the Spring Harvest Staff,

We can not wait to see you on Sunday, our weeks holiday should be amazing if it is anything like last year. We are so looking forward to this time of family, fun, friends and worship.

All the family xx

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To my urge to eat constantly,

Please go away and leave me in peace. I am getting fatter by the day and it is making me feel a bit down. I do feel totally powerless at the moment to get a grip on my eating. I know some of it is outside my control and is situation driven but I am sure some of it is my sick head, saying 'go on, you can have it'.

Shelly welly with the fat belly!

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Hiya Kids,

I just want to say thanks for trying hard to behave and play nicely together, I know it is hard when you are all home but Mummy really appreciates you trying hard for her.

I love you all, Mummy xx

PS - JJ that was so cute that you tried to hang my washing out for me this morning, bless you babe.

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Howdy, Lent is over

Hey all, How are you? Have you missed me? naahh I know your life is very busy.

I have not returned to blogging with any witty post that I have been thinking up over the last 6 weeks I am afraid. I have just come back as me, sentimental old fool that I am. Before I took my Lent break I was getting very tied up in this blogging lark. The ugly competitive side of me had come out and I was worrying about how many people followed my blog, who liked me and who didn't. Should I be on Twitter each day? How do I improve my readership? How many blogs am I subscribed to? etc etc. The resulting obsessed Mich was not really a person I liked too much.

So here I am back with a sound mind again. Blogging is something I will do when I feel like it and primarily I do it for me and any close family and friends who know me and like to keep up with our family's life. If I gain some new friends along my blogging journey that is wonderful but no longer will I be a 'comments whore', someone out for acknowledgment or affirmation of every little thing they write.

I am sure I must have said before that I hold no secret desire to be a writer and therefore there is no reason why I need a big readership of this blog. I have to love me for being me and not because people think my blog is good enough to be on their list. At my ED group they always talk about 'other people's opinions of me being no business of mine' and that is so right and I will do well to remember it.

So my 6 weeks absence has been far easier than I thought it would be. The first couple of weeks were very hard and I admit I did leave 1 comment and log onto my blog 2 or 3 times to see if I had any new followers - yes sad I know! but the last 4 weeks or so have been pretty easy and I have really enjoyed the extra time with my kids and hubbie. So that has affirmed to me my decision to blog when I want to and not when I feel I should. It was only yesterday evening that i realised that Lent was over and I could blog if I wanted and as you can see I did not run to the PC and post. I decided to enjoy a DVD with my man instead.

Some great stuff has been going on for me and the family the last few weeks and I will post more about that another time. My marriage course is over now and that has been an amazing experience and has definitely bought dh and I closer. I also have some preoccupying news which I will share soon.