Today I Made My Boy Cry

I didn't mean to but I think it had a purpose.

I have not mentioned here before but my gorgeous little man has a problem. He is totally self-absorbed and everything revolves around 'world JJ'. Now you may just think this is normal but it appears that all the other 6.5 year olds in his school have started to mature and have learnt the lessons of compromise, give and take, turn taking, empathy and the like. My little man likes to control every situation and when he can not he gets very frustrated and often, just recently, bursts into tears and can become inconsolable for quite some time.

Since he started school 2.5 years ago teachers have flagged to dh and me that he is slow on the uptake with his social and emotional skills. He has had smiley face charts, star charts, toot (talking out of turn) charts and such but there is still an issue. We do not really know what the issue is, no one has a name for JJ's behaviour but it has now got to the point where they want to have him assessed and dh and I feel it is right for this to happen. We want to give JJ the best help we can so he can develop to his full potential, whatever that may be.

It is not that he is silly, his report gives him a 2b in each of his learning areas, the average he is supposed to leave year 1 with is a 1a in each area. So he is 2 levels higher than the expected average and to some extent this makes it harder as people expect a lot of him as he is so bright.

I do not want to label JJ or place him in a box but I am keen that he does not get called naughty or bullish at school unnecessarily. JJ is a big boy, not fat, just tall and sturdy and this makes the problem worse as he can come across as a bull in a china shop. He runs into someone and knocks their teeth out (that was about a year ago - total accident but still, I felt so sorry for the little lad, thankfully the teacher was watching and knew it was an accident) but it does not even occur to him to stop say sorry and check they are OK. He shouts sorry and runs off and continues his game in World JJ.

Some of you reading this may consider what I have said as totally normal for a 6 year old but if you are with JJ for some time you start to see that his behaviour is different to those of his peers. It really saddened me to read in his referral document that JJ has no close friends as he drives people away with his need to control every situation. How to pull on a Mummy's heart strings! I could not even sign it the same day, I had to take the document home and digest the information and realise that yes a while back JJ did tell that no one plays with him at breakfast club anymore and also realise that yes, he hardly ever gets any invites to tea at peoples houses. I think I was kidding myself that was because I did not have many kids over to ours anymore but actually we have a load of un-reciprocated invites.

Luckily my little man is pretty happy in his own company and this does not seem to effect him too much but maybe things may change as he gets older and others start to go out together and he is not invited. The conversation we had this morning, that ended up with him crying was about how other people that he had considered to be his best friends hardly played with him anymore and that they had other best friends and did not seem to want to play with him anymore. I tried really hard to be sensitive in my explanation that we have to let others have a turn and to choose the game sometimes. I held him in my arms as he shed his tears and weep that his teacher had told the class not to just play with their best friends but to play with everyone and let people join in. Then he tells me the problem with that is that he does not like to play their game and wants them to play his, my soft explanations and sympathy appear to fall on deaf ears and that is why I know there is some kind of problem somewhere. You can not rationalise with JJ.

He must have some capacity to learn the lessons as we talked a lot about respect, especially respect for the responsible adults in his life. Then this morning at the park he was playing around after I had told him it was home time and when I firmly stated 'JJ, get off the slide right now' he stopped and I visibly saw him process this and jump off the slide and come to me, so obviously I gave him massive praise and told him he had showed me respect. There was also another good example of him thinking before speaking when we were out to lunch today but then this evening he decided to do what he wanted instead of listening so off he went to his room for some thinking and time out.

This parenting lark takes so much from you though, today I have had to be fully 100% switched on for the whole day to keep spotting him doing something good and to praise him for it. Generally it has been a good day.

So the school have had a speech and language therapist see him already and that person did feel there is an issue to be investigated. He has an appointment for Wednesday at the doctors for a pediatric assessment and the aim is to get him a referral to a communication disorder clinic - what that means who knows. Time will tell and I will keep you updated here.

Thanks for reading, any comments from any parents who have been in a similar situation would be most appreciated.

Notes From the Heart.....

Hey JJ,

I really enjoyed our 2 hour car journey tonight whilst the girls napped. You were great company babe! You crack me up with some of the things you come out with. No going on holiday to Bournemouth and jetting off on a plane from Heathrow are not similar things! but yes darling I will really enjoy our Dorset family holiday and as for you becoming an ice cream man when you grow up, have you really thought this through? Probably not you are just 6 after all but I do not think the benefit of as much ice cream as you can eat passes for a good excuse for taking on a career!

Love you babe, Mummy xxx

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Right Head Lice,

I hate you! Get out of Miss E's hair! What is it with my little poppet that you like so much, I know her hair is gorgeous and straight and glossy but it is not for you. I have now treated you 4 times in about the last 7 weeks and just just keep re-appearing. I am so fed up with you buggers!

Piss off you unwanted blitters!

Angry Mum

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Dear dh,

I have been so pleased to see you looking a bit better this week and you seem more yourself. I hope you are back to full health very soon. Thanks for all you do.

I love you. Mich x

Ps - I can not wait for our weekend away in June (kid free yay!)

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Dear new HR system,

My colleagues and I all agreed on Thursday this week that we had the same sentiment towards you and here is Kelis explaining it well



You are really crap!

All in HR

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Thank you Lord,

For being close to me this week and helping me to mostly stay away from my danger foods. I feel really good for the awareness you have given me around food and I love the feeling of dropping weight.

Thanks again, Michelle x

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Dear wonderful readers,

As I said last week, thanks so much for stopping by and boasting my bloggy confidence. You make my day! Have you seen? I have now gone to 45 followers, only 5 more and I hit my personal target to be at 50 by the end of June! Keep on following...

If you like the concept of Dear So and So, pop over and visit Kat, click the icon below -

Guest Post Day - A Day in the Life of Baba's Mummy

Here is the fab guest post I have received from Kerry at and then all I thought about was you, take a read and leave her some comment love. Then why not use the link and pop over to Kerry's blog and take a read at my post about being SuperMich!

I wake I am tired, but I can hear a cry of 'Mum, mum, mum'
Joined by bang, bang, bang of the door being slammed against the wall.
Baba is awake, it is 6.30am
My day is beginning!

I get up, weary and blurry eyed, put my glasses on
Stretch and prepare for the day!

I walk to Baba's door and he is standing by his babygate
His rag in his hand, dummy in his mouth, Roo in his other hand
Snuggling both and smiling behind his dummy.

I open the gate and Baba walks to the gate at the top of the stairs
"Teets" his name for the dog,
A point and a smile
T raises his head, grunts and trots down the stairs.

He scratches the back door, he wants to go out.
I carry Baba down the stairs,
Change him and let out the dog.

Standing on the decking, in the morning briskness
Waiting and training the dog to pee in the right place.
He wonders round, he sniffs, he stands, he looks,
He walks back in,
He does nothing!

Baba is sat on the sofa,
Pointing, "err err"
He looks at me, he looks at the kitchen
He wants breakfast.

"What do you want?
You can have weetabix, or toast you choose?"
He grunts at toast,
Toast it is today.

I put children's television on
Baba sits, and watches quietly.
I go into the kitchen and make his toast.

T is scratching, again we go outside.
Again he does nothing!
Again we come back in...

The toast has popped,
I butter and spread, I cut into four.
I take it to Baba.
He eats a couple of pieces.
It is rare to eat it all.

He chucks a bit on the floor,
He laughs,
The dog eats it.
I tell him "no" and again say he shouldn't feed the dog!
Deaf ears is all I have to say.

The dog is scratching,
I open the door,
Stand on the decking,
Again he sniffs, he walks around, he looks,
He runs to the end of the garden
He does his business
Yes success!
He gets some praise, we go back in.

Baba is asking for juice,
I go and pour some milk
He sits on the sofa,
He drinks his milk.

He takes a mouthful,
He puts it on the sofa,
Dummy shoved back in his mouth, rag in his hand.
He is done.

Dummy is thrown, rag is put on top of dummy
Another mouthful,
The same process again, and again
Until he is finished.

He shoves the cup in my hand.
He climbs off the sofa
He grabs his toys, he starts to play
I have time to sit down and eat my breakfast.

A normal morning for Baba's mummy!

Wordless Wednesday: a Morning Greeting

This greeted me when I walked downstairs the other morning and it just made me smile. This one potty of poo summed up much of my days with two 2 year olds! lol Quite why they thought to leave it at the bottom of the stairs for me who knows!

Grace in small things

I have not posted one of these for a while and I should. Lets face it I am a lucky girl and I have everything to be grateful for!

1. Today I am abstinent (and yesterday too!) and that makes my life so much more manageable.


2. JJ got all smiley faces on his chart at school yesterday. (here he is doing the tug of war at the weekend, he is the small one in the red top, hat and has a black and blue 'Batman' face!)



3. My girls were both dry this morning when they woke from their night time sleep. (This is the big girls at play last Friday).



4. The sun is shining again but no where near as hot as it was (and for me, that is a good thing).

5. I am seeing my parents this weekend and I am soooo looking forward to that.

Thank you Lord for all you do for me, I love to see your grace in all that is done.

Loved Unconditionally

How amazing is it to feel that people love you for who you are and there are no strings attached? I am ultra lucky in that I have quite a few people like that and today I was reminded of just how much I am loved by one special little lady.

Miss M and Miss E: 'Ohh your bracelet pretty Mummy' (I make the fake charm bracelets for myself)

Me: 'Shall I make you both one for you birthday?'

Miss M: 'Yes Mummy, my want a pink one, like you'

a short pause, while she fluffs her gorgeous fine flyaway white hair

'and my want big pretty hair like you too'

another pause whilst she lays back on the bed

'and big boobies like yours'

'and big tummy like yours'

and this went on for quite some time, as she declared she wanted every piece of my body including all the bits I loath and want to change.

Ohh I could just eat her up and here she is today being a tiger at her nursery fete.

Bad Medicine

I have been thinking a lot today about bad things that happen to us but turn out to have been for good. Not sure why this came to mind, perhaps because of my recent miscarriage. I am still waiting for the silver lining for that grey cloud.

I can think of a few incidents in my life where something has happened and I have been really unhappy and could not understand why it had to happened to me and then in time, perhaps days, weeks or even years I have become enlightened and understood that good had come out of the bad.

For instance when I was about 14 I was hanging about with a group of friends and having great fun but my behaviour, when I think back now was not the best and certainly was not honest and coherent with Christian values. Now do not get me wrong I was not doing anything illegal or anything too bad in the scheme of things but just silly kiddie stuff that does not make me proud nowadays. Someone that I had previously been hanging around with and still sat next to in class called my Mum and Dad and told them what I had been up to and said that I had a diary. My parents read my diary and boy did I get grounded for a long time. At the time I was so cross with that so called friend who dobbed me in (great expression hey?) I can remember being horrid to her after and probably gossiped about her at school but within a couple of years I knew that what she had done was probably the kindest and most selfless thing any real friend could do. She saved me from myself and the unhealthy path I was choosing to take. I have tried to track this friend down a couple of times in the last 10 years or so but with no luck. Shame, I would love to say thanks and sorry for any hurt I caused.

I can think of other similar instances in my life too and I am so pleased that I can recognise these bad times as a time of growth and change. Life is all about change and it is important that we embrace that change and go with it.

Some of the bad times that have led to good things are -
- being told by a primary school teacher that I would never make anything of my life as I had poor handwriting!
- a car crash
- calling off my wedding and planning to spilt with my finance (now dh)
- having bells palsy and half my face being paralysed for months
- not getting a job

...and I am sure there are loads more. Life is very much about ups and downs and it is often your attitude and approach to those changes that dictate your happiness. Many people would assume I have led a completely blessed life and that nothing bad has ever really happened but actually it might just be that I have taken after my Dad and learn to deal with things pretty well.

What about you? Have you ever thought about the down times as those where you have learnt, grown or changed direction? There is food for thought for you...

and now because I can not resist, I leave you with some Bon Jovi singing Bad Medicine.

Notes from the Heart...

To my Little Miss M,

Darling, I am not sure how many times I can tell you that you have a long wait until you can have boobies like Mummy! Boy, do you make me smile.

Love your Mummy xxxx
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To my poppet (also known as Miss E),

Yes baby when you pee on the potty and ask me 'are you happy with me?', I am very happy with you. The least amount of washing that you and your twinnie provide me with the more happy Mummy becomes.

Love your Mummy too xxxx
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To my little handsome fella,

You crack me up! You have a fab sense of humour and I love your funny quirky ways, you just need to learn to be a little more respectful at school. Have you learnt yet that teachers really hate it when you tell them their work is boring and too easy? It might be true babe, but sometimes we have to tow the line.

Love Mummy xxxx
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Dear new computer system at work,

You are really crap! I have given you good opportunity over the last 8 weeks or so to demonstrate to me that you have the capability to handle our 3000 employees and to make mine and my colleagues lives easier but it now seems clear the £1 million spent on you was a complete waste of money!!!

Doh, Unhappy in Herts
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Dear lovely regular visitors to my blog,

I want to shamelessly ask you to become a follower of my blog please. I currently have 36 followers and I have a little bet with myself that I can get it up to 50 by the end of June. So if you like what you read become a follower or add me to your reader.

Much appreciated, Mich x
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Dear Builders,

Thanks for doing our back gate, wall and shed base. I now just can not wait for the shed to be built and then the garage to be converted into the playroom. It is going to be amazing to decide that I do not have the energy to sort all the toys on an evening and just to shut the doors and to sit and relax in my nice tidy adult lounge!

Thanks again, One happy lady!
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Dear dh,

I am really sorry you are not feeling well and have been signed off work. I pray this week will be a relaxing one for you and that you are able to forget work and let them get on with it whilst you are not there. It will be so nice to have you around this weekend.

Take care of yourself.

Love you, Mich x

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Dear God,

Please help me to eat better and to stop reaching for crap food every time I am bored, tired, hurt, angry or anything else. Also, could you soften my heart please and stop me feeling so resentful when I feel like I am doing more than my fair share. Lets be honest if I do not want to do something and can not do it with a glad servants heart then I probably should not be doing it at all.

Thanks for all you do for me.

Michelle

Beauties in the Blossom

There is no point to this post, it is just a gratuitous show off of how completely gorgeous my twinnies are.... lol

For today, I will love myself and forgive myself

I feel tired right now, pooped in fact. I could just head upstairs and crawl into bed. Dh has just returned from 48 hours at cub camp and I think I must be coming out in sympathy for him, he is the one who has minimal sleep. I have had my Mum here for the weekend and two relatively good nights sleep but boy am I tired.

When I am tired I find it so hard to fight my food urges and I always seem to think that food will help with the tiredness. Of course it does not as the types of food I go for make me even more sluggish (chocolate, cakes, biscuits, ice cream etc etc - you know where I am coming from!).

I have been reading some of my ED literature today (as I do every day) and today's 'For Today' reading is all about beginning to abstain from the craziness of compulsive overeating at any time of day being better than not at all. This really strikes a cord with me as when I am in diet head mode I just think to myself 'oh well, tomorrow is another day' and keep on binging. Whereas when I am connected to God, feeling sane and trying to be abstinent I remember that half a day of being good is better than nothing.

So it has been a strange week, it has had its ups and downs, some days I have been completely abstinent and others I have had mini-binges and eaten what I fancied and not even tired to fight. Then other days again have been a real battle to stay away from poor food choices but for today I have decided to forgive myself for this stupidity and to accept that I am trying to work this program one day at a time and that at the moment some days are not clicking.

I truly believe that in God's time this will all come right. However I am very aware of yesterday's reading which basically said 'Pray to God, but continue to row to shore'. I find that such a powerful reminder that God will help and grant me all the great things in life but I must do my bit and try very hard. At the moment I think I am at the point where I want to eat what I like and lose some weight and feel sane. Do I think this will happen - not likely!

If I beat myself up for my crazy behaviour the that does not help me at all, so Mich you are forgiven - you are a crap eater but there are many worse things you could be.

Image Credit: et-si.mabulle.com

Bloggers with no make up!

2007 after the girls (above)

2003, after having JJ

So here I am taking up the challenge set by Jodie at Mummy Mayhem to bear my face and be seen without any make up. It was Brenda at MummyTime that alerted me to this great idea and I see that Claire at The 20 Something Mum has also risen to the challenge, I wonder who else has to!

Is it cheating that I choose baby pics so you can be distracted by my gorgeous babes rather than looking at my dodgy face!

'Cheat', can I hear someone shouting?

Oh go on then. This is me today!

Potty Mouth Mich

Yep, sad but true. That is me! What comes out of my mouth sometimes is just awful, I logically know that swearing does not sound nice and is totally unnecessary but at the moment it is just part of my make up.

Anyone else with the same problem?

I was at Church Sunday night and a friend did a really good talk on making Godly choices and once of the areas she spoke about was swearing and basically she asked why it was necessary! I can not come up with one good answer as to why I should do it, that says something!

She gave the example that she would not take her dog out for a walk and then clear up his poo and with the same hand put her fingers in her mouth, therefore why do we allow such foul things to come out of our mouths and then try to glorify God. The two things just do not go together. This rang a cord with me, so from now on I will be trying to be more conscious of my swearing and to cut it down considerably.

At work on Tuesday I caught myself three times swearing, whereas yesterday and today there has not been once. Maybe some of it is about the company I am in, I do find that I mirror people and the way they relate. That does not say a lot for my work environment does it?

So I am blogging about this to make a commitment to seriously cut down, if not cut out my swearing. It will be better for everyone in the long run.

Image Credit: The Punch.com.au

'Good Secret - Bad Secret' - How do we protect our children?

What a topic! Not one I ever thought I would blog about but here I am doing just that and feeling that I must share what I learnt last night in the hope that some others parents can become enlightened and help to protect their children.

Do you even have any idea what I am talking about yet?

Child protection issues, making sure (as much as we can) that our children avoid abuse of any kind.

Yesterday night, after a long day at work and running around like a loony to get the kids to bed I arrived at Church for 7.30pm to attend a 3 hour session on Child Protection - boring was my first thought and where's the coffee was my second. I could not think of anything I would rather do than sit there and listen to this boredom but actually it was a real eye opener for me and I am so glad that I went. I will be there again next week for part two.

The NSPCC state that approximately 6% of all UK children suffer from some kind of abuse (be it physical, emotional or sexual). How horrifying is that? When you relate that figure to your child's school or to the amount of parent blogs that you read it means that about 6 out of every 100 helpless children that you have read about or seen have, or are being abused. It tears my heart apart to think about this and that is probably why I have never thought about it before.

We all assume that our child is safe, we are great parents in this regard - aren't we? Our kids only stay with very trusted babysitters, we monitor their Internet use, we walk them to school and back, they only attend recognised and regulated after school groups etc etc. However, this is just us being naive.

Last night they stated that about 6 single children are abducted by strangers in the UK every year and this is tragic, 6 too many! I am sure if I pose the question - 'How many of you have taught your children to be stranger aware?', you would raise your hand and say yes I have and quite rightly so, we want to do the best by our kids.

What about if I now ask, 'How many of you have taught your children to be weary of people they know, people they even love?', 'Who has taught their children protection strategies to help them avoid any kind of abuse?'. Chances are you might now say no, I have not. It never occurred to me it was necessary. I definitely fall into this category. I do not want to scare my child and tell them about things that I pray will never happen to them, this was my first thought last night.

Then they went on to explain that you do not have to tell your child specifics or give them graphic details, that is not what protection strategies are for. I bet your 6 year old (if you have one) could tell you it is dangerous to get run over by a bus or to touch the electrics with wet hands but he probably could not tell you what would actually happen to him if he did either of those things. He just knows they are dangerous and not good.

It is the same kind of principle with teaching our children how to protect themselves. You do not tell them what might happen, you just make them aware that whatever contact (physical, verbal or whatever) that any other child or adult has with them they have to be completely happy with. Last night they talked about the concept of good secrets - bad secrets. A good secret is keeping a surprise for Mummies birthday, a bad secret is any one that makes the child feel uneasy inside. If we could just install this one single thing in every child, that it is always OK to tell a bad secret to a responsible adult then that would be a marvellous step forward.

I just want to add that I am not making light of this really serious subject, I am aware someone reading this might of been abused themselves and be thinking that avoiding abuse is just not as simple as telling the secret when you are petrified of the abuser or sure that it is your own fault. All I am saying is the more we can teach boundaries to our children of what is acceptable and what is not the better equipped they will be.

If anyone has any strategies, ways of teaching children these boundaries or such I would love to hear, please leave me a comment as I will be having a conversation with JJ in the next few days. With regards to the girls my gut reaction is that they are perhaps too young to understand right now and that in a year or so I might be having the same conversation with them. When do you think is the right age to broach this kind of subject?

I think after writing such a drastic post I have to add some balance and say, remember that it is only a small minority of people who are abusers. Most of us love children and do everything in our power to protect them but I will leave you with this final question. Your house will probably never be burgled but would you take the risk and have no insurance? No me neither, I want to provide that insurance for my kids as much as I can.

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The course material was produced by the Churches Child Protection Advisory Service and was very good. They have some useful info on their website.

It Takes Two Baby...

...to make a wish come true! So say the words of the Tina Turner song and how right they are.

Never did I know I had this desire to be part of the special club of twin mummies; my perfect little plan in my head was to have two children, a boy first to grow up strong and handsome, to be the big brother and then to have a little single princess to dote on her big brother and to be the baby of the family who was just a little tiny bit spoilt.

That was always the known desire of my heart but secretly somewhere there was lurking this longing for two babies at once. I realise this now as about a year after trying for my second baby and having no success I was staying at my Mum and Dad's for the weekend and I had a dream that my husband and I would have three children but only two pregnancies. I also remember the name Samuel Noah being really special to me. When my hubby joined me there I told him all about this and we thought nothing of the three babies thing, until a year later when it was revealed at the early six week scan that yes, I was carrying twins.

Somewhere along the line I have been turned into an avid lover of twins. Two little babies together just melts my heart and makes me think of my babes when they were small all curled up together. Now I am not saying that one babe is also not special, as of course I have my JJ and he is perfection in a single package (to me). There are just some things that us twins mums get to experience that are really different to having a singleton and having been there and done both I feel privileged to have experienced both sides of the coin.

Of course some parts of parenting twins is extremely hard. How do you physically carry two babes when you're bump is so large? and the logistics of trying to get two screaming, colicky babies fed at the same time in the middle of the night, on your own - just do not ask!

But some things just make it all worthwhile. Some times are only achievable with two - It takes two baby! The song got it right! So here is a quick trip down memory lane, of why two floats my boat!

Tiny babies cuddling up to each other, just like in the womb -

Play fighting and hugging together at just a few months old -

There is always someone to match your outfit with -

You'll never put your foot in your mouth as there is always someone watching out for you -

Not having to be scared on the funfair rides, as you always have a best friend with you -

Never having to eat alone -

Having someone to have snowball fights with, whether they want to or not -

Someone always being around when you just need a hug -

You've always got someone to experience the wonder with -

Someone else always gets your brand of crazy and is willing to join in -

And just think what the future will hold - someone to hold your hand on your first day at school, someone to cry to when your first boyfriend dumps you, someone to share clothes with, an instant bridesmaid and much, much more. I will try to ensure that my girls grow up knowing just how very lucky they are.

People used to stop me in the street and say 'Here comes double trouble' and I always replied 'No, double the joy' and I stand by that now. As a mummy of twins I get to experience everything that a singleton mum does but I get mine in stereo, when one takes her first step the other does too just a few weeks later. No time to be dissapointed that one stage is over as I get to experience it all again and then we are straight onto the next one.

Any other twin mummies out there reading? Share with me your best twinnie moments, I love to hear your stories. Leave me a comment.

Small Victories Rock!

It has been a good day, I think the title gives that away.

So I came home from ED last night all motivated and I knew exactly what was on my food plan today and so far it has been perfecto!

Here are my small victories of the day -

Instead of something consisting of starch and fat (ie toast, bagel, croissant etc) I had a banana after my shreddies this morning and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I resisted the biscuits that I had to hand out to everyone else at Twins club this morning.

I shopped after twins club whilst hungry but stayed away from everything as I knew I had a tuna salad waiting at home for me, prepared in advance.

I prepared the girls lunch when we got home before eating mine and again stayed away from the tit bits they ate - no sipping the finger in the creme fraich (for their wrap) and no picking at sausage rolls.

I loved my lunch and I did not eat the apple I had planned, choosing instead to save it for later when I believed I might be hungry.

Then at swimming the girls normally have a treat whilst they wait for JJ and I will normally join them with a kit kat or crisp. Today I had water.

After swimming it is a quick treat tea as we get home late. I dished up the kids sausage and chips from the chippie and did not even lick my fingers. I chucked both some sausage and some chips into the recycling.

So here I am at 7.30pm and just cooking a special meal for Adam and I to enjoy together and I thank the Lord for helping me to stick to my food plan. To those of you out with with normal eating habits these all seem silly things easily avoided by someone with a strong mind, to those fellow overeaters you know that God has been with me today and that this has been amazing. Keep on like this and I will be calling it a miracle!

I better just log that I weighed 16st 3lb this morning and that is still a good drop form my heaviest weight, which was about 17st 10lb but obviously is not as good at the 15st 2lb that I did get to. However I feel really positive for the future right now and my weight is not the be all and end all. It is just one part of my recovery and my actual health is the far more important thing.

Being God Centered not food centered

Seeing as this blog came about as I wanted to keep track of my food issues, I seem to have lost focus on that just recently, both in real life and on here. I have been to a different ED meeting tonight, it was further away from home but I really felt earlier it was time to be brave and try a new meeting. I love my meeting but I think I can get too comfy and complacent.

I believe that I need to find a sponsor to help take me through the steps and to keep me focused on being abstinent from eating compulsively. I have suffered over the last year (can you believe I have been in a 12 step fellowship for just over a year now, how quick times flies when you are having fun etc...) with a description of what abstinence is. Some people say it is no sugar, others no sugar and no white flour, others weigh and measure every piece of food and have nothing nice at all. I heard a description on a podcast the other day, which I thought was just fab and I would like to adopt. Abstinence is being God centered rather than food centered and this just clicked and I liked its simplicity. So for now or until God reveals otherwise this is what I will work to.

As soon as I got home tonight I have text my food plan for tomorrow to my food sponsor and I have had a bottle of water. I had to drive home past a Maccy D's and it was tempting to go in there but for now (praise God) I really feel as if I would like to get abstinent and stop allowing food to rule my life. This is great news for me and for all those close to me, especially the kids as it means I will be sane to help ensure they do not end up eating like I do. I already see indications of a problem with JJ, he is food obsessed. If you ask him why he loves Mummy, his instant answer is because I cook for him! Oh dear. In the last couple of months dh and I have noticed that JJ has put some weight on around his middle, so we have cut back on some of his treats and portion size and today I really noticed a difference. Of course we have not mentioned this to him as it would not be right to make a 6 year old aware of any weight issue.

Anyway enough for tonight, I need to head off to bed, altogether I am tempted to watch the results for the election come in, but alas I do have kids and do need to get up at 7am tomorrow and I have date night planned with my hubbie tomorrow so I must stay awake for that.

Thanks for putting up with my rantings, I promise to get back to being the normal nutty me in the next few weeks and to stop posting sad posts and feeling sorry for myself.

Its a funny old world!

I am feeling totally strange at the moment. Not particularly anything. I am up and down like a roller coaster right now. Someone said to me that having a miscarriage can lead to mood swings and I think they are right. I wonder if poor old dh is feeling the effects of living with me right now?

I am actually feeling quite sick tonight and of course my first thought was that it was morning sickness but no so. It takes some getting used to. I suppose I had 7 weeks learning and letting it sink in that I was pregnant and now I am only one week into knowing that it was not to be. When I think to this time last week I was in agony and wondering if I needed to go to A&E. I thought that a miscarriage would be very emotional and might only last about 48 hours physically. I now know that physically it can be awful. I am on day 8 now and feeling about 90% recovered but I can not believe what a week I have had. The pain has been beyond comprehension and I now know that I would never want to give birth naturally as I could not bear that again.

I feel very tired today, I went back to work today and was up in the night with Miss M, who was crying that 'her nose does not work!', yep she was blocked up! I think this tiredness is contributing to my feeling of being alone right now. I am not sure why I feel like that as I am with dh and we are chatting, I have been to work and school today and had the kids. So I have seen people. I suppose it must be down to the feeling of emptiness and loss inside but boy do I feel bloated at the moment - as fat as a large cow. So I will go to ED tomorrow night and start to do some work on that.

You know what it is like once you feel a little down about something, you then start to allow crap to make you feel even more down. About a week ago 2 of my followers of this blog unsubscribed and I have tried to ignore the nagging feeling but it is getting to me. Why have they left me? I expect as I am too graphic and write too much from the heart and that is not their cup of tea and lets be honest, that is fine. You win some and you lose some.

I was then heartened to see that I have had about 60 visitors since I was last on here (3 days) and that feels quite good to me (no where near what the big rated blogs get but so what) but then you wonder why no one has left a comment and said hi. Also there are a few bloggers that I felt that I had developed quite a good relationship with and a few of them have not even commented on here since I announced I was first pregnant and then that I had miscarried and that just reminds me this is not real and that it is very fickle. One moment you are top of the crop and another just forgotten. Some of it might be that I am not bothering to go on Twitter and promote myself and remind people I am here. I do not enjoy Twitter and I do not get the half conversations on there so I am staying away. Why torture myself with something just to be popular in blogsville?

It feels good dumping all this trash here, rather than having it in my mind and now I think I must go to bed and snooze before another busy day tomorrow.

Notes from the heart...

Dear Mum and Dad,

Thanks so much for coming up here this weekend. Mum, it has been just what I needed to have you here. The kids are missing you already and keep asking when they will see their Jeanie again. Dad, I know it is unheard of for you to have a Saturday off, thanks so much and I hope your football match was good this afternoon.

We all look forward to seeing you soon, your loving daughter.

Mich xxxxx

PS - We think Archie is super cute and Miss E and M still insist he is their new best friend

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Archie mate,

You are a gorgeous little boy and I can not believe how well behaved you are for a 7 week old pup.

Keep up the good work

You new big sister x

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Dear Friends and readers,

Thanks so much for all the wonderful support you have given me in the last week. Your comments, messages, texts and calls have meant the world to me. The world seems a very different place to 7 days ago, then I was doing the ironing suffering with morning sickness and watching trash TV. Tonight I am flopped on the sofa still in pain and trying to realise that there is no babe anymore.

A still sad Mich (but I will be OK) x

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Dear God,

I do not understand what happens much of the time but I have enough faith to know that your will is best and that longer term things will make sense to me. I thank you that you are always there and listen to me constantly. Please be with dh also in this strange situation, he seems to be dealing just fine but it is his loss too and seeing as he is not a big talker it will be his instinct to bottle his real feelings up.

Michelle, who wishes she could fully surrender to you

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Dear dh,

I love you so much, sometimes I find you frustrating as you appear to zone out but that could just be a protective mechanism. I was feeling so resentful earlier towards you as I got up to Miss M this morning at 4.45am when she was crying. All I needed to do was nudge you if I wanted you to go to her but instead as I was awake anyway I played the martyr and went to her and tried to ignore the agony in my stomach. Who was at fault? me, yes I know - you can not be resented for sleeping soundly.

Thank you for letting me stay in bed all day today, taking the kids out for a wood trek, doing their lunch and tea and putting them to bed on your own. I would love to have seen you playing that DS less today when the girls were bored and fighting but again I just need to talk to you really and explain that when it is a rainy day and two 2 year old are trapped inside for the day you have to orchestrate activities for them. They are not old enough to plan for themselves. Did you see how nice they played for that 3/4 hour while you cooked tea. Puzzles and some adult guidance works wonders.

Anyway enough whinging, it has helped me writing this down. I know I have one of the good ones. I am lucky to have a hubbie who adores his kids and wants to spend time with them. Sometimes I just need to get my unrealistic expectations in check!

Love you always, Mich x

PS - so sorry we did not get to go out last night and enjoy some time together. I will plan a nice night for us together this weekend.

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Dear Indian Spice,

I enjoyed the take away, thanks but will you stop making my chicken tikka quite so spicy!

Cheers, the woman with the streaming eyes!

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To my three precious babies,

There is no need to be worrying about Mummy. Whilst I hurt now I pray the pain will all be gone soon and I will be back to myself. I am grateful for each one of you and your own kooky ways. Thank you for being caring and helping me this week.

I adore you, Mummy xxx

Thank you for my awards

Thank you to Beth at My Good Life for tagging me for the above two awards and thanks to Purple Ramblings for tagging me for the one below. I am a lucky girl!


Right lets get this blog back up to a happy place. I am still not quite right physically but when have I ever let that keep me down! A while back a couple of fab newish bloggers tagged me for meme's and awards and I have been too tied up in myself to get on with it and follow the rules. So here I am being a good girl.

The rules for accepting the awards passed to me by Beth are -

1. List 7 things about me!
2. Pass onto 15 of my favourite bloggers.

and the rules for the one passed to me by purple ramblings seem very similar - but I have to reveal 7 things that I have not told people before.
So I am going to cheat and just reveal 7 things about me and hope that covers both awards (sorry if that is a cop out!).

Gosh, this feels really hard, I am so darn open and honest that I think I might possibly have told you everything there is to know about me! and for those of you reading this who know me in real life - sorry I know you already know!

Fact 1
I met dh when I was 21, we were both trainee managers for the same hotel company. I was sent to Eastbourne to work at his hotel for the Christmas period and I thought I had been banished to the worst place on earth, little did I know I would fall in love...

Fact 2
I can not stand the feel of wood in my mouth. It turns my stomach, this is a funny little phobia I have but it stops me eating those little ice cream tubs and some lollies.

Fact 3
I became a Christian when I was 28. Dh and I wanted to get married and the local Vicar at the church dh wanted to get married insisted we attend an Alpha course. I thought it would be so awful with little old ladies quoting scripture at me. Little did I know it would change mine and Dh's lives for the better.

Fact 4
I want to work for God. I have this desire to do some work which is really worthwhile and will actually visibly help people. I have always had this inkling that at some point dh and I will run a Christian retreat or conference centre and we will all live on site and this will be a fab way for our kids to grow up.

Fact 5
I have changed so much in the last few years. I looked back last week at a notebook from 2004 and in it I had written my goals for the future, I was reading a life coaching book on holiday. The goals were all about shallow things, like a 4 bed house with a u shape drive, 2 posh cars, being slim and sexy so I could turn heads (Gosh am I embarrassed that I wrote that!), having great sex always, having a fab wardrobe etc etc and nothing about my spiritual life. If you asked me nowadays for the most important goal for the future it would be to be a secure and happy family serving Christ wherever was appropriate. Now do not get me wrong this would not be easy to do as I am still sinfully shallow and love possessions but I am getting better and growing!

Fact 6
I really want to learn to Salsa with dh. This is just hilarious as dh and I are both big hippos but we are up for a bit of fun! We had put this on hold due to the pregnancy but now we can look into this again. I think this time spent together each week will keep us solid together. The marriage course was wonderful for starting that and then to be honest being PG had us more separate than together as I was so tired.

Fact 7
Not very revealing about me but I am excited about it none the less. I am having my garage converted into a proper room and this will give us another large reception room. Once I can pile all the toys and PC into and throw the kids in there to make a mess, leaving my front room nice and tidy for me to enjoy! yay The financing is now sorted and we need to get the gate in the back garden, the shed built and everything out of the garage and then late summer the new room will happen.

As for tagging people I think I am so late in the day with these awards that I will just say, If you have not done the meme or been awarded the award please feel free to help yourself and have a go!