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| This is how I now feel. I can jump for joy at accepting I'm supposed to be at home right now |
I love having some time to myself during the week when the kids are at school. I never realised before how little time I had to think, life was so busy that I dashed from one thing to the next and never allowed myself the freedom to ponder, to imagine and to create new possibilities. I just accepted the first thought that popped into my head and went with it, but not anymore. Now I question myself and explore all possibilities and often come to completely new conclusions. It really is a revelation to me.
Over the last year I have been having a guilt battle in my own head. On the one hand I know how busy I am and I know that I don't sit around and watch daytime telly, I'm not a lazy kind of woman. Then on the other hand I question the value there is in what I currently do. Surely when I worked outside the home I was creating more value? Adding more money to our household account? being a better example to our kids? But no to all of those things.
Today I was able to go for an open morning at the secondary school that JJ wants to attend, this week I can do both school drops and collects for mine and a friends kids as she is recovering from an operation, today I sat for over an hour at the table with the girls and we did maths homework and we laughed and they learnt. Also today I cooked a really tasty meal from scratch and it was ready for 5.30pm when dh got home from work so he could eat quickly and head straight out to lead cubs.
There is value in what I'm doing and I need to believe it and embrace it. If I want to sit down and read my book or watch TV for an hour then I should do it without any guilt. When did I ever feel guilty taking a lunch break at work? Never, I felt like I earned it. But I earn a break here too, the washing is up to date, the ironing done, the shopping put away, the dinner cooked and the dishes washed, the floor swept and hoovered, the beds changed and all those little things like remembering birthdays and booking holidays, yes I do those and keep this household running smoothly.
I also earn money, nowhere near what I used to earn but nowadays I can read each day with Miss E and help her with her struggles. I can chat to Miss M when she tells me the woes from her day at school and I can have a cuppa with JJ and laugh at his crazy jokes. How important is it that I connect with these little people every day? Beyond important, it is imperative.
I enjoy my new way of life, I've got into a good rhythm and what might seem mundane to some is enjoyable and relaxing for me. When dh says to me on an evening what are you doing tomorrow, I need to hold my head high and believe I'm doing something important that adds value to our lives.
I'm making our home.
I'm nurturing our kids.
I'm stretching my artistic talent.
I'm writing to change the world.
I'm spending time with God and
I'm learning who Michelle is and what really means something to her.
This journey of discovery is good, not without its scary bits and you have to be willing to face some fears but I'd definitely recommend it.
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