It's only been in the last couple of years that I have realised that at the age of 43 I suffer with deep-seated feelings of rejection. The root of these goes right back to primary school and being the last to be picked for gym or being the one left out when it was play time. I can still feel the hurt of being about 10 or 11 and sitting hiding behind a curtain at a birthday party, crying as I just knew no-one really wanted me there.
It's not easy being stuffed full of all these feelings of inadequacy and unlove for more than thirty years but the great news is that now I know about this issue I'm able to deal with it and I'm currently reading Uninvited by Lisa Terkeurst. It is proving really helpful, giving me insight into how I need to deal with those feelings of rejection that have stayed with me for far too long. I've also just started a course at church called Living Free and I had an amazing first week and can't wait to go along again tomorrow.
Thank the Lord that as I grow as a Christian God helps me to see all the issues that I have been burying for far too long and I have the opportunity to deal with them if I wish. This revelation isn't just helping me though it also enables me to see where my children might be having issues and right now one of my girls is feeling rejection in a big way.
I can see history repeating itself and it is so hard to watch one of my babies going through exactly the same as I did but I know how important it is that I don't just jump in and constantly rescue her. The trails we go through help to develop our character and resilience is one of the most important traits that I pray she develops.
Of course it is also important that I do not project too much and imagine that my childhood traumas are the same as hers now but some of the parallels are pretty scary. Her character is like mine and I too was a gregarious and confident (on the outside) girl who liked to be seen and heard. Bossy, determined and loud were words used to describe both of us but it is not all bad she is also loving, extremely helpful and fiercely loyal, you just have to be willing to give her a go.
Sadly I think she is way ahead of her actual years in her character and I just hope that like me when she moves to Secondary school she will find some friends who are happy to be around a confident girl who knows her own mind and doesn't want to fall in line or be walked over.
Until then I pray that she can keep picking herself up and dusting herself off. It crushes me when her twin sister receives invitations to parties and sleep overs with girls that are supposed to be her friend more than her sisters and this week has been particularly bad with the kids in the year above her starting a nasty game that she was the brunt of. I had to admire her strength of character and mettle though when she told me that at least 40 people were ostracising her and using her name in a very hurtful manner as part of this 'game' at school. Thankfully she goes to an amazing school and I cannot praise the Head and Deputy highly enough.
School tell me that she has been helping teachers with jobs at lunchtimes for the last couple of months as they have wanted to help boast her self-esteem as she seemed to spend a lot of time alone in the playground. These feelings of rejection and not being wanted will surely explain why she has latched onto my husband particularity the last couple of months. Every time he is home she wants to play monopoly or cook, just the two of them and if he is dropping JJ somewhere she wants to go out to have 'Daddy time'.
It is a super relationship they have but of course it doesn't replace having peers to play with. I just thank the Lord she has a twin who loves her and sticks up for her and she doesn't have to go through this alone like I did.
Yesterday afternoon, whilst I was on a course and her twin was away at a birthday party and sleepover little miss and her Daddy cooked me a lovely meal to enjoy as the three of us. They had spent the afternoon together preparing and cooking leek and potato soup, pork and beef meatballs, roast chicken, roasted veg, salad and pasta. I was totally stuffed, they had done a great job together.
Then daddy went to Night Church, JJ was happy in his 'man cave' and we had a great girly night with a movie and some snacks and we cuddled up on the sofa with candles burning for a mummy and me night, it was just lovely. I also gave her a little love token gift with a candle that said 'you melt my heart', a packet of rolo's and a gift bag with her favourite pug dogs.
I figure that others might be rejecting her but we can always be building her back up and reminding her of her worth, not because she is perfect but because she is a child of God and she is already good enough.
Lord Jesus, you know the troubles in each of my children's lives. I pray that they always feel you close to them and know that they are enough and are loved unconditionally. Help them to see how they should grow and change to follow the path you decided best for them. I place them into your loving care. Amen
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