I remember early last year coming across the term 'default
parent', it was an article in the Huff Post from 2014 that for some reason was
popping up in my Facebook feed. I must admit it wasn't a term I was familiar
with, but a bit of googling led me to find it is pretty well used and often in
a derogatory fashion.
M Blazoned, the writer of the Huff Post article suggests "the default parent is the one
responsible for the emotional, physical and logistical needs of the
children", and she points out that generally it will be the mother.
Most articles I read were from mothers who were fed up and worn
out of being the one that the children always come to. Often, they were
juggling a paid job, childcare and taking care of the family home, and frankly
they were burnt out and wondering why it all fell to them when they had a partner
who could technically take half the load.
Before we moved to East Sussex, I was probably that woman -
absolutely knackered, running on adrenaline and never daring to take a moment
to breath just in case it all fell apart. Now, I am in a much more fortunate
position as the house we live in comes with my husbands’ job and thus we don’t
have such pressure to earn large salaries. We have reassessed our lifestyle and
made changes which mean I can now do paid work part-time from home, and then
use the rest of the time to volunteer and look after the home and our family.
I am the default parent in our family, from the start I have been
the default parent and I don’t for one moment think it is my husband that made
me so. This isn’t a post to bash what my husband contributes to our family, far
from it. I absolutely love the fact that right now he takes on the responsibility
to earn a good living and provide our home for us, allowing me time to go to
the gym, meet friends and read – all things I love.
Sometimes when I’m chatting to my husband, I’ll talk about
something going on in one of our kids’ lives and he won’t know what I’m on
about. Then sometimes when he cooks dinner instead of me, he’ll ask me how each
child likes that dish, what accompaniments should he serve for each? I
genuinely would be gutted not to know all these ins and outs of their daily
lives.
I love that I am the one who gets to take them to the doctors,
dentists, orthodontists, opticians and hairdressers. I get to kiss their bumps better, stick their
plaster or apply their cream. I liaise with school, I discipline them, we have
heart to hearts, and we laugh a lot.
When my husband and I are both in a room and an adult is needed,
it’s me they’ll ask. I may not even be the best person to ask and in that case,
I’ll remind them Dad is there and he’s far more qualified to answer that or
take them there. But I do love that they think I am the font of all knowledge
and the orchestrator or all activities. Mum can make it happen.
Sometimes I wonder how left out I’d feel if he knew all the things
I know about the kids. Just the mundane stuff, like what homework they are
working on, who is arguing with who at school and what we sang in the car
earlier. Truly though, as someone who has always suffered with feelings of
being rejected or feeling left out, this is the first time ever that everyone
needs me and I’m the centre of it all. I love it. They need me and I need them.
I feel absolutely privileged to be the default parent. Yes, it can
be tiring and sometimes you need to know when to defer to the other adult in
the relationship, but for me it is the most rewarding job in the world.
