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And I do. I shop for me but the reality is that I don't like being a size 22/24. I'm not healthy at this size. I need to lose weight and this will happen, but right now I'm a bit stagnant in that quest. I don't like my shape and for me, it doesn't feel flattering in clothes. I have a truly enormous stomach, like a great big air balloon on my front.
I'm not writing this for you to tell me I am OK as I am, or that I look good. I know I look presentable and sometimes I feel beautiful, but a lot of the time I just feel uncomfortable and like I'd like to slice my enormous belly off the front of me. Not in an unhealthy kind of way, just in a wishful... I'd look so much better and everyday tasks would be a lot easier kind of way.
I like to be comfortable and that is more important to me than being trendy or stylish, so I go for clothes in the same kind of cut and I like longer tops that cover most of my belly. I often fall back on black or navy, despite the fact that I love reds, pinks, bright blues and greens, as they are safe colours. Ones I don't have to stand out in.
I've recognised that I've been trying to hide, I use my fat as a bit of a disguise, and that won't make any sense to most people. But I know they'll be a few people out there who get that, who know that when I am brave enough to let the fat go that I am opening myself up, allowing myself to be seen and having to confront some issues that I've been really happy to stuff back down with food over the last couple of decades.
I took a step last weekend to be bold, to be seen and I am so glad I did. The lovely people at Meg & Bee gifted me one of their kit bags and a strap of my choice after I approached them. My friend from Uni, Lizzie had one of their bags last time we met and I fell in love. After following their Instagram I kept seeing more and more bright and vivid colours that I loved and I wanted to be in on that action. So I ordered a red bag and a very bright orange and pink striped strap. If we're talking the colour wheel and colours working together, the mix goes against all logic but I just loved them.
When they arrived, they were every bit as luxurious as I hoped they would be, but I had a wobble. Could I, this enormous middle-aged woman (gosh, how did I get to be 45?) carry off such an amazing little bag, and it is little. Would it look even smaller on my big body?
I even emailed Meg and asked about other straps, did they do longer ones, thinner ones, should I go less bold, and all because I was scared. Scared of being seen. Of being noticed. Of standing out.
But I had an amazing weekend conference at church, led by Angela Kemm and she kept speaking about identity and who we are. About being bold and walking into our destiny. Her message hit my heart like an arrow and as she declared the word bold over us, I knew it was meant for me, and I was so pleased to have my super bright Meg & Bee handbag sat next to me.
Over the last week this bag has been my reminder to be bold, to do what I feel God wants me to do. To allow myself to be noticed. I feel as if God will work with me to lose the weight and I will be healthy. Then when the time comes it will be all glory to Him that I managed to get healthy again.
Thanks so much to Meg & Bee for my gorgeous bag. I truly adore it and I just know I'll be buying more. The quality leather kit bags retail for £80 and come with a slim leather strap in the matching colour. Or if you want the full Meg & Bee experience then order yourself a matching or contrast canvas strap. The ones that are £20 are 3.8cm wide and the £30 ones are 5cm. My strap is one of the 5cm width ones.
If you're trying to choose your combo and aren't sure, email Meg & Bee and they'll take a couple of photos of the combos you're considering, that really helped me to choose! I've found them very friendly and approachable and I am sure you will too. Check out their full range over here - Meg & Bee.
Bargain Alternatives
If the Meg and Bee bags are out of your price range, check out these genuine Italian leather alternatives on Amazon (#ad), I think you'd be hard-pressed to tell the difference. You can also buy the mix and match straps on Amazon, some are exactly the same ones and they start from around £8. Just have a good shop around!
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Disclosure: I received my bag and strap free of charge for the purpose of sharing my honest thoughts with my readers. I have not been instructed what to write and I remain honest.