The girls have returned to secondary school and I dropped JJ off for his induction day at college and now I am sat at home, thinking 'what comes next for me?' I know I am in a season of mothering and supporting my husband but I also hope (and pray) that there is something really fulfilling in my future for me to do. I understand the importance of supporting others and being there to facilitate their lives, hopefully helping the kids to grow into decent citizens but I have to be honest, it doesn't give me that immense satisfaction that I get from paid work.
I feel like I'm sharing a dirty secret in having said that, as many homemakers and fellow Christian mums will be finding their satisfaction, contentment or purpose in serving their family, but it just doesn't do it for me. I do really enjoy being home for when I am needed; I like to clean, launder and make the house feel clean and comfortable but I also love the buzz of achievement.
I don't know if it is just the way I am wired or if it is because I didn't become a Christian until I was 28 and the world's view of success is deeply ingrained in me. Whichever, nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing my to-do list get ticked off and knowing I am achieving. It doesn't have to be anything particularly high-level or aspirational, I literally just like to be busy and work my way through a long list most days.
Many would say I am making a problem out of nothing, as actually, my life is very blessed. We have our house with my husband's job and that takes the pressure off me to earn great amounts of money. If I wanted to, I could never work and just decide to stay home, tend the house, look after the kids, exercise, meet friends for coffee, shop and volunteer, and I enjoy all those things. For a bit. Then I need more.
I realise I am much more task-driven than relationship and this used to worry me a lot, as of course people are worth more than tasks, but actually, I have come to realise that it takes both types of people to make the world function. If we were all relationship-driven and deeply concerned about all people then none of the actual physical work would get done. So, as long as I am reigning myself in and remembering to be kind, to give enough time and attention to the people in my life then it is OK that I want to get on with the tasks in hand and get things done.
I started to write this post on 9th Sept and now I've skipped forward to 15th as I've been busy thinking, praying and trying to hear from God, wondering what it is that I'm supposed to be doing right now and the (provisional) decision I've come to for now is that as long as I'm earning around £200 a week from my self-employed work, I'm not going to worry about getting any more paid work than that. Unless, of course, the right job just falls in my lap and I feel that God is prompting me to go for it.
I've applied for some casual admin work at a care home close to my son's college and if anything comes of that, it will be good as it will be convenient, I'd be helping where it is really needed and hopefully, I'd find it satisfying and enjoyable. I'm not holding out much hope though as two of the jobs I have gone for recently, that I really felt were good matches for me (and one of them seemed to be a God prompting) haven't even resulted in an interview. So this makes me think now might not be the right time to be getting an out-of-the-home job.
I've reached out to my pastor at church to see if he'd like me to help with anything and I'll continue to get involved on a voluntary basis here at Ashburnham Place, where I live. So I don't intend to be twiddling my thumbs, and I am trying to exercise most days, so that is a really good thing.
This was my view as I enjoyed the sun and walked the marina the other day.
Whatever is in store, I'm feeling good about it. I fully trust the Lord to place me exactly where I am supposed to be and I know from experience, that even when things are a little uncomfortable, I am learning and changing and His timing is far, far better than mine. So I'll hang in there and wait on Him.
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
